Archives du mot-clé warnings you are a desperate african housewife


16 to 30

16-Your fantasies involve your houseboy , your driver or the gardener… Don’t fall into the Gaby sin. Actually most of your romantic escapes are daydreams. Sad. Tie him & rape him. Unless you have other ideas but do something before it’s too late.

17-You have become an expert pastry maker , a home seamstress & a daycare specialist..without getting paid for it. Time to think about either becoming a work at home mum or find a way of leveraging your new expertise.

18– You are sick with the paranoid bitch syndrome. Your single or married sisters & friends have become the “unusual” suspects who want to wreck your couple. Give us a break , you are not married to Brad Pitt or Idriss Elba. Chill. REGAIN CONFIDENCE in yourself.

19– You just realize that you are sleeping next to a perfect stranger: you have reached the point where you live 2 separate lives. Your husband crack jokes & has fun with everybody but you Time to create an intersection. Before the parallel becomes infinite.

20Shopping has become the most exciting pleasurable  activity of your superficial universe. Don’t stop spending as long as it’s not your money otherwise…

21– In order to escape reality or give a sense to your frustration, You bury yourself in spirituality. Every time you talk , it is a prayer , quoting the Bible or the Quran. The Devil/Shaytan’s influence  seem to be everywhere in your home (you need a scapegoat right?). Or  you become a Juju expert , always looking for the latest Malam , babalawo or fortune teller believing they will put an end to your problems (someone did a curse on you of course). Cut the crap; save your money. Pray God but also work on yourself.

22-You don’t know who is Lady Gaga; mamma mia everybody knows Lady Gaga. Get out of that house asap .

23-You criticize, complain just about anything & everything sounding like a BB bitter babe not Blackberry in this case. Stop comparing your life to others , the grass ain’t greener on the other side of the fence. If you are becoming envious of those around you who seem to be happier , girl you are on the road to insanity. Count your blessings instead of counting other people’s blessings.

24Where are your sexy underwear? Lingerie, lace, silk, you remember what it is? No you don’t. You wear them for yourself baby & nobody else.

25– Are you living in an illusion of perfection like Bree just to cover the fact that  your life is a  mess  you have created alone.  Time to face the reality & fix that mess since it’s yours.

26– Have you turned into a nosy gossip minding other people’s business to forget the pathetic world around you? Susan get out of that body! Even worse if you repeat all your friends’ secrets around. Sister , you need serious exorcism.

27-Sometimes you just hate your kids, your life, your husband & your normal life. Stop blaming the world  Gaby &  accept the fact that you have to work on things to make them better. And if you don’t like your life , just try to go , someone will quickly wear your shoes. Hmmm

28-Lately ,you yourself in tears whenever a romantic song plays or whenever you watch a love movie & read a romance Novel. I assume you also cry in bed when you don’t get that expected hug. Romeo & Juliet were born in Verona. Not you. Real relationships are not fairytales or fictions so whatever it is that is making you over sensitive , work it out before it becomes a nervous breakdown.

29-you have a very active social lifeon social medias without leveraging on your online presence for a business . All you do is sending indirect messages to your husband , or you blame the whole male nation. Babe talk to Hubby, before someone reports your statuses to him (we all know spies are all over our facebook, twitter, bbm lists).

30-Noooo GDP (Gross Domestic Product)  is not what you produce at home. Stop everything & google it…read newspaper once in a while, there is a whole world outside of your home.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”



1 to 15

1-You haven’t been outside of home in a face to face with your man in the last 6 months (1 month is manageable, 3 months is worrying & 6 months is a catastrophe in the making) … You remember what a romantic dinner is? Or has it become science-fiction to you?

2-You share your living space with bitter , sour & wicked in laws who always have a say about the food you cook, the dress you wear, the way you raise your kids… You need to either start a new business by opening an in law concentration camp, move out or practice Buddhism. Before you commit a crime.

 3-You & Mr  hubby live in separate towns or countries but  when you get the chance to be in the same place at the same time, He is just too busy to be with you… His excuses: his friends, exercising, his mother, his brothers, the new house he is building for you…  and where do you stand amidst that busy life?

4-Like Lynette , you have traded a brilliant career for “housewifing” 24/7 , you feel more & more frustrated  as your MBA’s main use is for  domestic management. Time to make a move. Start a home based business or become a trader…But please do something before you have a nervous breakdown.

5-Your older sister looks 10 years younger than you…Maybe you should start thinking about Botox if you can’t take advantages of the gift of life & see the world through a positive lens. Something is definitely wrong if you don’t recognize the girl in the mirror. “Shake it up baby…Twist & shout, come on come on baby..come on & let it all out” whatever it is stress, frustration, too much food , just get rid of it.

6-You only know 2 positions in the Kama Sutra: the missionary & the missionary…woohoo you are in trouble, maybe time to bring in a pole dancer like Gaby…lool. Or leave a Kama Sutra Illustrated open on your husband’s bedside…

7-Your last romantic getaway was with the whole clan in the village, for a relative’s graduation, christening  or for Umrah…  do you know what a revival honeymoon is??  Follow him –without kids- on his next business trip. Do or Die attitude, never without you.

8– You know you have 10 kg to lose or to add. And you wear clothes that neither fit your body nor your age. Are you sure you are not too skinny or too fat for these tight jeans or that top??? Look at the woman in the mirror twice

9-He never goes with you to visit your family members whereas you have to bear his own on every occasions. Unfair isn’t it? Life is unfair, accept it or change it.

10– Your hair color & hairstyle have changed 10 times in the last 4 weeks & he didn’t notice anything. He is either blind, or you are truly desperate. Try a piercing on your tongue maybe he will feel it since he doesn’t seem to see.

11-He calls you knowing you are in a  professional meeting to ask where you kept his underwear ? WTF?

12-He keeps on criticizing everything you do or  you find everything he does annoying & irritating…. The only time you have a peaceful conversation is when you talk about kids or serious family matters. counseling time is up or African mediation call it how you want but you need help. It’s not a white people’s issue only.

13-You are a married single mother handling all home related issues alone . Do you need a husband really?

14-Your husband  gives you ridiculously low food allowances meanwhile  you are not allowed to do any side biz or work. Maybe he wants you to become a thief then…

15-You know all the tv shows by heart…from Desperate housewife to Sex & the City, Soap operas, Brothers & sisters, etc… Not talking of your Bollywood movie collection & your Nollywood Obsession. Girl get a life, you are sinking into fiction.

to be continued…

“Be empowered because you are powerful”