Archives du mot-clé Happy african balanced lady

Single African woman survival kit (4)

4-YOU WILLSURVIVE!
My little list of survival tools you might want to use to flow comfortably through the waves of our oppressive societies.

DON’T:

  • Try not to counter argue criticisms, mockery or sarcasms. Some people just need to find faults in others to feel good & feed their insecurity. Their words will only have the power you give them.
  • Do your best not to fall into the pressure trap, panic, anxiety & pressure can lead to making the wrong choices. Whatever your spiritual orientation is just keep faith. His plans are bigger than your doubts. And he is the Creator, All-known & Almighty. Once you surrender your fears & turn them gradually into faith, you will feel so good.
  • Feel sadness or regrets when you contemplate Fatima & Ronke’s life: wives, CEO, Mothers…some seem to have it all. Yes they SEEM only. And thank God for his blessings upon you. If you weren’t blessed with life, health, eyes etc. you wouldn’t be reading this… And they are your friends & you love them. It’s better to have a bunch of happy fulfilled friends anyway.
  • Have sex for sex if you can’t manage your emotions…you can buy a dildo if it’s just for the thrill or fast whenever you have that urge… spiritual, health benefits of fasting is proven…If someone just proposes casual sex just advise him to go to hookers, they will be cheaper for him. 🙂
  • Rush into the next guy who proposes “Do you want to marry me?” Reply: Do I look like I believe in Fairytales? Unless you have known him & share a romantic past together.
  • Fall in the arms of the guy who sings a love song to you (Hello is it me you’re looking for? I can see it it your smile , I can see it in your eyes– If he can’t do the Lionel Richie Voice don’t even bother-LOL…)… , take your time before you tag him Mr right. A man ready to commit might not be right for you. Open your eyes, ears & get to know him (at least find out about his mother before you take the ring…in law management can be more challenging than the rest in Africa)
  • Reject Aziz the nice guy just because he is too nice (female paradoxal masochism) .. Give him a chance (I didn’t say in bed though). Get to know him before you play your Diva. By the way how long have you been single for?
  • Lower your standards to accept a cheater , liar & thief in your life just because you want a mate …

DO’s:

  • Nurture your yin & your yang , by enjoying the company of your male friends &/or family (brothers, cousins, childhood friends..)  in order to refresh your views & enlighten your  perspectives on the Male nation.
  • Enlarge your social circle, quit tribalism please or nationalism, racism (all those African plagues)… The world is like 3 billion male human beings, there must be one for you somehow. Even if you target 0,01% you still have a very large choice.
  • Invest your time in working to ensure your financial stability as well as working out to improve your health
  • Create an awesome relationship with yourself: eat better, exercise, learn that foreign language,
  • Get in touch with your roots: visit  your village you have never been to, learn about your family history, your customs… Knowing where you come from will help you understand yourself better.
  •  Improving your spiritual life & learn how to reach that inner feeling of self fulfillment. (nothing to do with ego )
  • Understand that your life, your destiny  is unique not a photocopy . It is yours to live don’t allow anyone to come & give you lessons or force you into things you are not ready for. Let your purpose manifest itself & believe me it can be greater than just having a man in your bed. And the right guy might just help you manifest it …Insha Allah.
  • If like my friend Ronke you have the dress & the invitation cards ready then you might want to update (fashion & trends move fast lately.LOL)
  • Anything that makes you feel good , really good for you & not for just the sake of looking socially correct. I wonder who sets the standards…
  • Review your standards if they seem really unrealistic (The guy with Bill Gates Money, Denzel Washington looks, Einstein’s brain , etc.etc. is not born yet).

 

And now let’s sing together:

« Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
And I’ve got all my love to give
I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey… »

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

The END.

Single African woman survival kit (3)

3EMBRACE YOUR STRENGHTS & WEAKNESSES

Let’s go through your strengths so you can capitalize on them & your weaknesses in order to turn them into opportunities .  

YOUR STRENGHTS

  • A big bed just for yourself , you can turn & toss at will. Hehehe…
  • Silence. And if you need noise just talk to yourself. Many unanswered questions about yourself will be sorted.
  • Plenty Space in your wardrobe & bathroom . What more can a woman ask for?
  • No permission to ask when you go out . Freedom. Freedom.
  • Dildos & sex toys are more & more sophisticated. You might meet G spot before meeting Mr Big.
  • You can have plenty toasters at once & flirt for fun,  poly-flirting girl yeah. But at some point make a choice since you have opportunities knocking at your door.
  • You can relax on your couch in front of your tv when you come back from work without being misjudged for a lazy cow. Don’t you just love your life?
  • You can eat when you want & where you want with who you want (even though in our African societies you might worry about image management, so why not call catering & organize dinners at home)
  • You can have an empty fridge (yeah even in Africa). Abeg don’t let your friends see it they might think you are broke OH.
  • You can plan exotic trips with your girlz hourrah ! just that your mum will call you 20 times a day to ask whether you met someone interesting . I mean mine would… lol . No offense Mum.
  • You chose to have standards. Congratulations! you have faith , confidence & self esteem. The world is your oyster.

YOUR WEAKNESSES

  • It’s not that fun to be alone to go to weddings or parties , keep your head up & walk with confidence, everybody is looking at you … ooh you know already.
  • You have to hire a professional to get a relaxing massage or go to spa. Hard job indeed. That is a strong weakness.
  • Every time you come back from somewhere you have to answer to : “any interesting guyz?”  Even if you come back from the Zoo.
  • You miss the man factor in your life …you know the hugs, the arguments, the heat, the making up, the companionship planning a trip together :since you haven’t planned (yet ) to be a nun or some sort of Saint , be patient, prayerful & persistent ( I didn’t tell you to stalk your ex though).
  • You are tired of dealing with the car issues, electricity problems or plumbing repairs. Hell yeah am old school this isn’t a woman’s duty to manage these.
  • Your might be boring everybody with your exes stories… You sound like a broken record: that awkward moment when at a girls’ night out everybody wants to tell a story. Better option :just describe your dream man.
  • You are afraid or you just hate being alone … Were you born with someone? Hiss. Even twins don’t stick to each others. It’s not a space filling contest
  • You miss sex. Good News: nobody dies from not having sex .
  • Are you turning into a choosy babe? No? * sigh of relief

“Does anybody really think that they didn’t get what they had because they didn’t have the talent or the strength or the endurance or the commitment?” Mandela

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…

Single African woman survival kit (2)

2- YES YOU ARE A SINGULAR WOMAN

So let’s move on with OUR ISSUE. What are the Challenges of being single in Africa at any age (in fact)?

First & foremost: you are you, unique & happy to be yourself don’t let them bring you down. Repeat after me: I am a singular babe…smile, do the doll eyes, turn around . You love you.

The  5 Common nonsense ideas you need to ignore & get out of your mind
1-idea of marriage as a necessity to be protected. I know much more wives who protect their men from disgrace nowadays. It doesn’t mean you will reject those strong protective arms from a deserving man (according to your standards).

2- A single woman is bitter, frustrated, unhappy & sexless. I think they didn’t look at you properly. If you are unhappy single , how can you have a happy couple? Makes sense right? No comment about the sexless part. Do your own math.

3-A single woman is permanently man hunting trying to tie the knot at all costs. No no no. Observing, flirting, dating once in a while, smiling to the cute new MD of your bank doesn’t mean you are desperate. Just testing the waters, in case…

4-Single equals free often confused with loose. Who said you shouldn’t watch your behavior? Don’t mind them. They wished they had the kind of freedom you can enjoy lately.So stop depressing & enjoy yourself .

5-A single woman is alone & feeling lonely. Really? Do you know any African woman who feels alone with our extra large families, friends, acquaintances & the endless crews we entertain? If you want to feel lonely, it is your choice.

The stressful people you need to avoid or learn to manage: Threatening people & attitudes
1-the stressful aunt who can never stop blabbing about her happily married kids, their achievements, her grandkids, etc. So what? You are also happy for them. Change topic whenever she starts. Nicely.
2-the envious depressed married women who wished she never listened to everybody & married that fool. She deserves a sisterly. There is one fool less on the field ..Yippi ! Tell her the demand is high so she should hold on to Joe.
3-the competing mistresses: the market of Gold digging is tight lately with the economic crisis, she can relax you are not into that rich old fart who is the latest Cash Cow in town. In fact he is already your biz partner. Let her know, but be ready for an envious panic attack: “You know Yinka Brown the billionaire?” Waouw . she might want to become your new best friend. Maybe she has a single dad, brother or cousin. LOL

4-the nosy family friend who is always asking about your  wedding date sarcastically. Get out of the room so you won’t have to be disrespectful.
5-the pressure parents who want to have grandkids asap: tell them you are going to adopt from an orphanage. Maybe your mum will give you peace. Maybe…
6-the hook-up brothers & sisters who  always have a new single to introduce! Once in a while OK for the matchmaking but not automatically.
7- the threatened insecure supposedly « happily married » friends who think their hubbies will come chase you, I said it Brad Pitt is not in Africa.
8- The party animal girlfriend who is single but can’t remember her age and never stops partying! Better get your beauty sleep if you want to look fresh. She might be looking for a sex date…
9-the bitter babe who is envious of your lifestyle. You work hard for it so what’s her own?
10-the stupid mentally ill co-workers, suppliers or potential customers  who have issues giving credit to  an unmarried childless woman. I never knew our brain was in our wombs or that a wedding band was equal to experience & degrees. This world’s standards evolve quickly.

12- All those who ask the stupid questions: when are you getting married? Did you meet somebody? Why did you break up? How come a beautiful woman like you is not married? And the list goes on… respond with a smile meaning: when did you last have sex ? If you mind your business, I will mind mine.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…

Single African woman survival kit (1)

1-THE HAPPY BALANCED SINGLE AFRICAN LADY  MYTH
In spite of many changes within African societies and the decline of tradition, the stereotype implying that to be respected a woman has to be married or at least in a relationship is still vivid. The transfer of pressures and social codes were made from traditional customs to religious duties. It is mostly backed by traditionalized religious principles. As a matter of fact, the growth of hardcore  Christian Evangelism as well as the rebirth of Islam fundamentalism is silently fueling the idea that a single woman is an easy woman. Personally, I strongly disagree as the basic teachings of religions are tolerance, love, & understanding. And from my personal observation , lately, many of the single Ladies cultivate a certain respect for their bodies, often choosing abstinence instead of engaging in sex for sex kind of transactions;

However, we live in an environment full of paradoxes :  We claim the mentalities have evolved in accepting that being single doesn’t automatically being lonely or unhappy or even a easy prey for sexual predators (I name all sorts of womanizers looking for easy sex without comitment, they know themselves). But pressure is still strong from  parents who long to organize the big celebration or craving to see their grandchildren. The risk of falling in the family pressure trap can be to get stuck with « Mr Wrong » in most case or for a « Mr Right » they don’t feel connected to. So it’s either you wait until you marry for the proper reasons or you give in the society pressure. Your choice either way. One of my cousin avoids going to Senegal just because she can’t stand being asked by just any family fool “ When are you getting married?”. Is it worth it? NO. You need to learn how to deal with that pressure & value your own self. It doesn’t mean denying the fact that we all want to find a life partner but like any other thing it can be harmful if it turns into an obsessive way of life, seeing a potential mate in any male that smiles at you.(No you are not Halle Berry). So shake your head & breathe in , breathe out & let’s see how to swim through the waves when you  claim loudly to be “a happy balanced African single lady”?

YES , YOU ARE HAPPY

It is always so funny when people look at me with a sad face when they find out that I am single . Like I must be unhappy & depressed but sorry to say it I am happier & more balanced than many of my married friends. And sometimes even happier than those who feel sorry for you. But in their head they are “married” therefore they are “better” than you. Oh you are not married?  Sorry… What are you sorry for? I am happy, fulfilled & I have total faith in Allah’s plan for me in my life. Why should I – as old as I am now- sleep around or date around just to make sure I am not alone. Hell NO. I just love myself too much for that shit. Forgive my English. But I am not judging those who do. I believe in living & letting people live their own stories. All I can do is share my piece of mind. I am nobody’s judge as well as I don’t expect to be judged by anybody. Advise me, talk to me, enlighten my mind, share your experience but please don’t tag me as a good woman or a bad woman . Each of us have our principles, education, beliefs & our personalities are built on that base & our choices are made guided by them. So, point is: if you can’t add up to my two cents in a positive way (for example: introduce me to your single handsome cousin who is financially independent & stable INSTEAD of feeling sorry for me LOL) then shut up. As simple as that. Capito?

SINGLE  ISN’T CONTRADICTORY TO BALANCED.

The funky Freud in me will not admit what they are all trying to insinuate: “Poor Soukeyna she is single, we never see her with a man”. By the way who told you she doesn’t have an underground relationship with a 25 years old  ebony Apollo with 6 packs … Or sometimes it’s like “OMG what’s wrong with Nadia, she has money, beauty & a great job, but no man in her bed”. Maybe she is Dangote’s secret lover? Now you are calm right? They don’t appear like victims again in your eyes. FOOLS.

They are single because they have refused to compromise with situation who didn’t fulfill their ideals. And you know what? It’s their right & their personal choice so stop feeling sorry for them since you are not ready to share your husband. So it is not a front , they are really happy & hopeful that someone, somewhere will love them, even though he might not be perfect but he will respect them & be a responsible man fit for fatherhood. Gbam. I remember in my mid twenties, I was single, had a good job & a OK life, once I had a discussion with a male friend of mine who reported to me all the gossips about me: I was the hidden mistress of an African head of state. African can fabricate your own life story. Just because they don’t know what is happening in your life, they will make it a fairytale or a horror movie (depending on how much they despise you). So when you create your balance between your job, your social life & your inner life, you will definitely be a Happy Balanced Single.

WHAT ABOUT SEX?

Ya all been waiting for me to tackle this issue. Say it out loud. Some of my friends admit that their hand does the job well, others are Ok with their dildos or a Sex only dude. Whereas I know a couple of Ladies who just prone abstinence. Each with his own. And remember you are not God to start judging others. Like we say in French: “Mind your own A…”

HAPPY AFRICAN LADY

Yes you are , by essence, we Africans are happy, we survive through bombings, plane crashes, tribal wars, mineral wars, looting, corruption etc. And we can still come out with new dances like Azonto, Mbalakh, etc. Believe me I live in a war torn country & as I am writing we have rebels invading the eastern part of DRCongo, but we still have our Koffi Olomide, Fally Ipupa concerts taking places in all parts of Kinshasa. So yes You are happy because you are healthy alive & blessed , you have not been caught in any of the above listed calamities & you have an internet connection & time to waste to read my crazy thoughts. As I found out when I attended a leadership seminar lead by Gilles Attayi from GA Solutions, we are among the 5% of people in the planet who have a daily meal, running water, electricity, go on holidays, buy more or less whatever we want, etc…

So  don’t you think it’s enough of a reason to be a “a Happy Balanced African Single lady”?

SO THE MYTH TURNS OUT TO BE  A REALITY FOR THOSE WHO CHOSE TO LIVE THE BEST OF THEIR SINGLE LIFE.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…