Archives pour la catégorie New Relationship Rulebook

Single African woman survival kit (1)

1-THE HAPPY BALANCED SINGLE AFRICAN LADY  MYTH
In spite of many changes within African societies and the decline of tradition, the stereotype implying that to be respected a woman has to be married or at least in a relationship is still vivid. The transfer of pressures and social codes were made from traditional customs to religious duties. It is mostly backed by traditionalized religious principles. As a matter of fact, the growth of hardcore  Christian Evangelism as well as the rebirth of Islam fundamentalism is silently fueling the idea that a single woman is an easy woman. Personally, I strongly disagree as the basic teachings of religions are tolerance, love, & understanding. And from my personal observation , lately, many of the single Ladies cultivate a certain respect for their bodies, often choosing abstinence instead of engaging in sex for sex kind of transactions;

However, we live in an environment full of paradoxes :  We claim the mentalities have evolved in accepting that being single doesn’t automatically being lonely or unhappy or even a easy prey for sexual predators (I name all sorts of womanizers looking for easy sex without comitment, they know themselves). But pressure is still strong from  parents who long to organize the big celebration or craving to see their grandchildren. The risk of falling in the family pressure trap can be to get stuck with « Mr Wrong » in most case or for a « Mr Right » they don’t feel connected to. So it’s either you wait until you marry for the proper reasons or you give in the society pressure. Your choice either way. One of my cousin avoids going to Senegal just because she can’t stand being asked by just any family fool “ When are you getting married?”. Is it worth it? NO. You need to learn how to deal with that pressure & value your own self. It doesn’t mean denying the fact that we all want to find a life partner but like any other thing it can be harmful if it turns into an obsessive way of life, seeing a potential mate in any male that smiles at you.(No you are not Halle Berry). So shake your head & breathe in , breathe out & let’s see how to swim through the waves when you  claim loudly to be “a happy balanced African single lady”?

YES , YOU ARE HAPPY

It is always so funny when people look at me with a sad face when they find out that I am single . Like I must be unhappy & depressed but sorry to say it I am happier & more balanced than many of my married friends. And sometimes even happier than those who feel sorry for you. But in their head they are “married” therefore they are “better” than you. Oh you are not married?  Sorry… What are you sorry for? I am happy, fulfilled & I have total faith in Allah’s plan for me in my life. Why should I – as old as I am now- sleep around or date around just to make sure I am not alone. Hell NO. I just love myself too much for that shit. Forgive my English. But I am not judging those who do. I believe in living & letting people live their own stories. All I can do is share my piece of mind. I am nobody’s judge as well as I don’t expect to be judged by anybody. Advise me, talk to me, enlighten my mind, share your experience but please don’t tag me as a good woman or a bad woman . Each of us have our principles, education, beliefs & our personalities are built on that base & our choices are made guided by them. So, point is: if you can’t add up to my two cents in a positive way (for example: introduce me to your single handsome cousin who is financially independent & stable INSTEAD of feeling sorry for me LOL) then shut up. As simple as that. Capito?

SINGLE  ISN’T CONTRADICTORY TO BALANCED.

The funky Freud in me will not admit what they are all trying to insinuate: “Poor Soukeyna she is single, we never see her with a man”. By the way who told you she doesn’t have an underground relationship with a 25 years old  ebony Apollo with 6 packs … Or sometimes it’s like “OMG what’s wrong with Nadia, she has money, beauty & a great job, but no man in her bed”. Maybe she is Dangote’s secret lover? Now you are calm right? They don’t appear like victims again in your eyes. FOOLS.

They are single because they have refused to compromise with situation who didn’t fulfill their ideals. And you know what? It’s their right & their personal choice so stop feeling sorry for them since you are not ready to share your husband. So it is not a front , they are really happy & hopeful that someone, somewhere will love them, even though he might not be perfect but he will respect them & be a responsible man fit for fatherhood. Gbam. I remember in my mid twenties, I was single, had a good job & a OK life, once I had a discussion with a male friend of mine who reported to me all the gossips about me: I was the hidden mistress of an African head of state. African can fabricate your own life story. Just because they don’t know what is happening in your life, they will make it a fairytale or a horror movie (depending on how much they despise you). So when you create your balance between your job, your social life & your inner life, you will definitely be a Happy Balanced Single.

WHAT ABOUT SEX?

Ya all been waiting for me to tackle this issue. Say it out loud. Some of my friends admit that their hand does the job well, others are Ok with their dildos or a Sex only dude. Whereas I know a couple of Ladies who just prone abstinence. Each with his own. And remember you are not God to start judging others. Like we say in French: “Mind your own A…”

HAPPY AFRICAN LADY

Yes you are , by essence, we Africans are happy, we survive through bombings, plane crashes, tribal wars, mineral wars, looting, corruption etc. And we can still come out with new dances like Azonto, Mbalakh, etc. Believe me I live in a war torn country & as I am writing we have rebels invading the eastern part of DRCongo, but we still have our Koffi Olomide, Fally Ipupa concerts taking places in all parts of Kinshasa. So yes You are happy because you are healthy alive & blessed , you have not been caught in any of the above listed calamities & you have an internet connection & time to waste to read my crazy thoughts. As I found out when I attended a leadership seminar lead by Gilles Attayi from GA Solutions, we are among the 5% of people in the planet who have a daily meal, running water, electricity, go on holidays, buy more or less whatever we want, etc…

So  don’t you think it’s enough of a reason to be a “a Happy Balanced African Single lady”?

SO THE MYTH TURNS OUT TO BE  A REALITY FOR THOSE WHO CHOSE TO LIVE THE BEST OF THEIR SINGLE LIFE.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…

Flirtherapy is good for you

That awkward moment when you are just not in a relationship but you need to feel the platonic effect of being desired, loved, wanted by a Male!lol ! Translation: you just need to flatter your dumb self centered  narcissistic ego. You need to feel someone desires  the charming, desirable & lovely woman you know you are . Without being in a formal  relationship & not even intending to be in one. I won’t blame you you, everybody needs a little bit of reassurance once in a while.

So what happens? Dude is cool, not bad looking, even hot, maybe even a good friend or on your waiting list… You start paying a closer look at dude, respond to his signs : you smile back at him, you laugh to his jokes, yo u let him touch your hand or talk to you in an erotic way, you feed his fantasies with X rated comments.. In flirting there is no erotic touch involved. Your ego is boosted, your sex appeal restores its dignity …and congratulations you have just become an official  FLIRT! Remember that it can be soothing for a bruised heart & healing to a ssss (Sexy Sexless Single Sister #naboulovism). But be careful don’t push it too far, unless you are ready to bear the consequences & don’t even play with a taboo man  , the same applies if you are not a free woman.RED LIGHT . Ok?

So Flirtherapy is positive as long as you know when to stop since crossing the line might turn a male friend or acquaintance into an deadly enemy ( yeah he will call you bitch! & I agree with him). Please, make sure you don’t confuse flirting with romancing otherwise heartbreaks will be unavoidable. So as usual play it subtle & be wise… Use Flirtherapy with moderation  and make sure you don’t light any fire you can’t control or extinguish.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”
©Naboulove™.

12 ways to turn into your Husband’s best friend

You have reestablished  the sex drive between you & him. You are now the WIC (Wife in Charge) but please sister don’t brag , there is still a lot of work to be done. Bedroom is awesome, for now, but don’t relax yet. It’s like looking good ,you always have to work on some details that will make a big difference to the picture. Let’s do it. Being the “wife-mistress” is not enough. Your next challenge is turn into a “wife-mistress-best-friend”…  Since you are you married for better & worse, let’s work on having more better than worse. Are you ready?.  YES! NO? I can feel some doubting looks … Anyway I am not giving miracle recipes but just common sense life ideas. And if you want to enjoy the best of your husband, you have to work on yourself, your attitude, behavior & perception.  We are not in a Sweden kind of society & until further notice when things don’t go right, it’s better to go left than to complain… No be so? My Golden rules of friendship do apply but given the niche target (hubby) we need some little adaptations. So  ready? Set! Gooo!

“Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” Mother Theresa

1-Spend quality  time together doing things that you both enjoy: simple things are the best: talk about a book, watch a movie, eat together at the same time & the same day ( this may sound stupid but it is not as common as we could think). Focus on the quality of the time spent instead of complaining on the quantity  on the rare occasions you see him. Isn’t that what we do with our friends. Enjoy the now moment. Catching up from where we left it?

2-Keep the link, be connected emotionally with each others. It goes through intimacy & patience, don’t let your couple drift away. Hold on to it. It’s not just about the ring. Be a woman who cares about him & his activities, he is not just a provider so be generous in giving up a bit of your old fashioned principles. It’s not a war , you are not fighting a battle & he is not your enemy. The only enemy is your ego. So speak up but with respect & don’t ever confront him in front of others, you share a bed for a purpose, do not humiliate him in public . be smart & strategic; Cultivate your low ego, in the name of love. Don’t you do it with your close friends?

3-Share your interests and your thoughts with him even if he is going to criticize, try to ignore his judgment & make him feel part of your life projects. Too often in fear of criticism or rejection we hide a lot to our partners & all they end up doing  the same & we both lose trust in each others. You don’t want him to hear about what you are planning outside of home, don’t you?

4-Listen to him til the end whenever he expresses an opinion, try at least, we women tend to jump on words & sentences before getting the whole story. Yeah that’s me I am talking about. Do as I say , don’t do what I do loool.

5-You owe loyalty to your man no matter what. The way you jump on people’s throat when your friends are criticized should be the way you defend him when your entourage attempts to talk about him. Too often we tend to make our issues public to just anyone ready to listen. Just shut up. Endure; Talk to a trusted elder ( preferably not from your families) , seek advice in a mature way but please be careful on how & to whom you are sharing with. Misinterpretation from a third party can damage your marriage.

6- He just did a big deal, made a certain amount of money, has some new projects, please girlfriend stop showing off to your girls by bragging about your husband’ s achievements. If he makes more money they will see it somehow, your man doesn’t want half of town to know about his professional business . So behave like when your friends tell you a secret. Be discreet. Your mum, sister ,etc. don’t need to know “All about Mr Hubby”.  show that you can be a trusted confident. Too often we tend to talk too much…

7-Understand & accept his silences , touch his hand, kiss his cheeks , hold him, instead of harassing him with inappropriate questions, he will tell you when he is ready. It’s not always about you so keep cool Madam.

8-Learn to anticipate his moods, you should know him better than anyone so watch out for those signs when he comes back home. It’s funny how we pay attention to our friends’ moods but ignore those of our life partner.

9-Have a laugh together, watch  a fun movie , crack jokes.Do have a fun moment together, Husbands would love to have fun with you.

10-Show Interest in his affairs even if you are not really. I know politics or finance can be quite boring issues but beside technical aspects you can use your feminine intuition to  advise him on human issues. Support his successes & failures . Be there emotionally in hard times instead of complaining or saying ‘I knew it’. It’s funny how we show more indulgence to other people whereas we just can’t stop criticizing our life partner. He needs a friend too. Who better than you can be that friend?

11-Think twice before you open your mouth. Stop thinking “he is my husband, I can say what I want or what can he do to me?… He is also a person & like your friends you should about his feelings too. A balanced compromise is the key to a successful relationship. Make sure you are objective & remember it’s not always about your selfish little person. (referring to my own experience & behavior here)

12-Nurture his soul with positivity, never stop encouraging him like a real friend would. Share quotes from the Quran, the bible or just uplifting quotes exactly as you do with your good friends.

And please use & abuse of healing words.

 “Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.” Mother Theresa

“Be empowered because you are powerful”

©Naboulove™

Naboulove Golden Rules of Friendship

Life indeed is a sum of interactions with various people , family, co-workers, friends, acquaintances, people we meet for a second or those we spend a lifetime with as well as those we have never met but have such an influence on our lives. Harmonious living ( I reckon, a total utopia) demands a lot of efforts & the people who lift us, carry us , without being necessarily family members are our friends. A cousin is family but doesn’t have to be your friend. The beauty of friendship lies in the free choice, the natural attraction & genuine togetherness. Some tell me I have too many friends, but is there anything as too many when it comes to giving & taking love, attention , on a free basis. I tried to scrutinize my various friendships throughout my life path & it taught me a lot about myself. These are the rules I either wished some people had used with me or even that I could have made use of myself with some people I might have disappointed somehow ( striving for perfection in a not-so-perfect world is one of the greatest phobia of human beings).

1-    Love : not the kind of family love but one that transcends blood & sex. That feeling you have for another who just brings out the best in you & also seems to be always there for you emotionally. Just because you crossed each other’s path. I am sorry some people are unworthy of it but I wonder why I keep insisting …

2-    Care : yes friends care about each other & show it: how are you? I missed you. How are you coping? Family assumes you care, but friends need to know you do in facts. Guys I love you all but I am an emotional mess sometimes…

3-    Appreciation, it’s not about being flattery or fake but whenever you think “ wall Done Zahra” voice it up so she can enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with appreciating your friend’s dress, beauty or achievements. Genuinely. It kills envy & it’s always rewarding to be friend with good people. To be used moderately between men & women sometimes –depending on the level of exposure of the Lady or man in front of you-… My friends are brilliant & beautiful –Masha Allah & I am proud to have them in my life.

4-    Gratitude: stay with you when you are heartbroken, listen to your broken record failed love story, lend you some money, keep your kids  when you are away, call your mother to check on her,… so many little gestures a friend does for us. And sometimes we just take it for granted or we procrastinate the gratitude moment & we appear ungrateful –I am guilty of that one-; Forgive me Pat I will never forget what you did for me…

5-    Communicate clearly & this implies talking & listening to your friends. Some people want you to listen their problems without even having an ounce of compassion about your own stories. There is also the friend who always listens to your deepest secrets without ever sharing the slightest secret with you. There must be a balance in communication. Like everything else it is not easy to achieve but some friends are worth the effort.

6-    The One to One principle: if you love groups of girls “Sex & the City” style or “Desperate Housewife” type, be careful, it is not always as glamourous in real life & the risks are gossip, backbiting, imbalance, etc. And it is not everybody that likes mixing up with half of the planet.. And rememberin case of group friendship, never talk about those who are not around if you know you won’t feel brave enough  face to face. So you either STFUP (shut the F… up) or you take a stand. Capisci?

7-    Straightforwardness is key . If you are lucky enough to be diplomatic use & abuse of it. If like me you just say it as it is, make sure you will be able to deal with it is your turn. But don’t compromise with the truth. If the dress is ugly, the hair color, even though trendy makes your friend look like a monster, or she has given up on her weight management issues. Tell your friend. If you care.

8-    The art of sharing or how to give & receive without expecting the same. My mistake was often to say : “ after all I have done for so & so…” wrong approach madam Nabou! You did it because it was your friend & you were happy to do it then. It was not a deposit at the bank you expect to retrieve some day. Karma is awesome & anything good you do sincerely comes back to you either way. Also if a friend decides to spoil you with a present , it is just because they care & love you & want to make you happy as simple as that: no hidden agenda. If it’s not the case review your list of friends asap. A big sister’s advice.

9-    Reciprocate : Ok it’s not because friendship is free that you are not obliged to reciprocate in a way or another. Don’t be nacissico-selfish & learn to reciprocate & it is not only about gifts & goods.

10- Law of silence is most definitely the hardest for us women to respect. We have big mouth we love exchanging gist.  But a friends’ secret is NOT a gist. In no way.  Also be  discreet about what you report to a friend about another friends’ discussion with you. JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. You don’t have to tell your mother, your sisters & brothers or your Man or Woman. It is between the 2 of you. Then keep it that way. Unless your friend is addicted to Cocaine or has been raped or is planning to commit a crime or suicide…Only in case of life threatening EMERGENCY.

11- Acceptance: since I discovered that nobody’s perfect , it has change my world. Everybody didn’t have your background, education or parents so if you decide to be friend with someone accept his or her flaws. I hate people who misspell French & I used to be horrified by them until I got the greatest advices from someone who knew little French but with great wisdom. I have all sorts of friends (my sisters & my mum can testify to that) just because I learnt to accept that if someone is a gossip I don’t have to share a secret with her. Or if someone is sensitive about some issues , I will be careful. Acceptance is about character management. If a friend doesn’t reply to your mail or a phone call , in fact it’s not because he/she doesn’t care…so give the benefit of the doubts to your people.

12- Tolerance IMPLIES a lot more than acceptance since you have to try to be non judgmental: your friend is getting married to a womanizer, or becoming the 3rd wife of a bad boy, or she made the wrong choices & comes to you for a supportive ear and all she gets is : “I told you”. Once again this is life, not Alice in Wonderland. We all have our fair share of mistakes & bad choices.

13- Reliability: “lean on me it won’t be long til am gonna need somebody to lean on” … I love that song because it says it all. So be a supportive, & reliable friend try as much as you can to do what you say. Be there through thick & thin.

14- Forgive me please. I lied . You lied. I forgot your birthday. I told your secret (innocently done only forgivable though), I criticized your husband or wife, etc. etc. FORGIVENESS of friends’ minor sins will only make your bond stronger.

15- Respect each other’s limits. Even twins have their own lives (as a mother of twins I know what I am talking about ) . So don’t push too far, respect each other’s privacy, little secrets, silences & absence…
And I believe these simple rules (fruit of my own experience) should help us in our overall interactions with others.  Please forgive me I didn’t expect it to be so long.

“Be Empowered Because you are powerful”

2012 ©Naboulove

Be your husband’s mistress.

He chose you over other women to spend his life with him, to be the mother of his children & above all to be his companion through thick & thin so stop behaving like a shocked prude just because you belong to the « Wife » Club or as the title of Ekene Onu states as a member of the « Mrs Club ». So why do I write this, because I am angry with all my married sisters, friends etc. who give up the best part of their husband’s time to other women. Please stop telling me you hold hands in public but hardly have sex in private. It is wrong, You are the legitimate partner of your man & you owe each other breathless nights of torrid sex. Quit the religious crap you are hiding behind , sleeping at church or trying to replace an Islamic scholar. To be wild with your husband is Right. So instead of whining & complaining about his plenty “ghost” mistresses & girlfriends he seems to enjoy life with, stand up & #takeyourmarriageback. Every day you can decide to initiate a new start even after endless years of marriage. So since he is the man of your life, your one & only don’t end up bitter or looking for a lover to satisfy your needs (that is a sin, even if the lover is your pastor or a Malam lol). It’s easier to draw a plan, & decide to become your husband’s mistress. So if you were a “Desperate African Housewife” longing for hot steaming sex, here are few ideas on how to make a difference in the bedroom. And remember your man might seem surprised at first or a bit suspicious but hang on there , he is your husband, & since you are already the mother of his kids, there is no harm in also becoming his perfect mistress & sex partner.

Of course you can’t be alert 24/7 but please I don’t want you to give the man a chance outside of Home; you have the power , he has to come home every day, he has to eat your food & has to spend some time at home whether he likes it or not. So open your drawers & bring out all the sexy lingerie, aphrodisiacs, Kayan Mata, Béthios, Bin bins, etc. you have been buying always waiting for the best moment to use. Now is the time. So Mrs member of the Legitimate & legally Married Club , be ready to also be a very sexually satisfied wife.

1-    It’s not because he is your husband that you should take him for granted, so make yourself indispensable by listening to him, become his friend, & win his confidence. Stop being the reasonable judgmental bitchy wife once in a while so that he can freely share his thoughts with you, carelessly & freely. Be his lover, confidant & intellectual muse.

2-    Remember it is more than sharing a bed together or sleeping under the same roof, it is about making those moments unique once in a while (I know it can’t be everyday), reality is when you tell him about school fees etc. But indulge for some fantasies & dare to create mind blowing bedroom moments for your man. I am sure you have clear ideas of few fantasies but never dared… If you can’t be crazy with the man you share your life with, then don’t complain if sex is scarce… Forget about all our African taboos presenting the wife as a “pseudo saint”…Hell with that you also need to feel desired & create passion in your couple.

3-    Surprising Factor. Stop blabbing endlessly about your women’s gathering & gossip about the neighbor’s wife…cultivate mystery, be unpredictable & don’t let him always be able to read your thought. Have a life, a job, a passion, a hobby outside of him. Let him miss you, ask you question, wonder a bit about you & be surprised.

4-    You love your children unconditionally right? Try to give him that kind of love, without being a doormat, reconquer the intimacy you used to share together. Learn to trust him. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have married you. Don’t accept just any fool to come & bring your husband down. Trust, Intimacy, Respect are what you owe him. And whatever happens outside your home out of your knowledge or sight shouldn’t be any of your business as long as you are a respected , well taken care of wife.

5-    Never mention the other “woman” or “women” – if there are any- in an insane jealous way; the man is yours. Be subtle, strategic, mature & make him feel what he is missing at home by being attractive, sexy, nice & friendly. If you have a point to make, don’t be aggressive…COMMUNICATE don’t attack.

6-    Creativity/Innovation are keys , as you know men need excitement to awaken their senses, so don’t hesitate, tie him to the bed, use cufflings, feathers, massages. Suggest sex in a different room of the house or even in the bathroom, get out of that bed & innovate, initiate… Sexting about your underwear while you are at a dinner, or emailing him a kinky picture of you when he is away, don’t be shy. Describe to him the things you would love to do to hi in simple words, even by calling him at his office.

7-    Foreplay, majority of men love Blow Jobs, & am sure that many more African men would feel freer in bed with their wives if they showed a bit of kinkiness instead of playing the “preacher’s wife” role. Ice cream, Ice cube, chocolate, or even specially designed products are available. Use your head to spice the foreplays. Role playing . Why not? And stop that African sentence “ it’s for white people”. That is where you are mistaking Madam. Once again he is your MAN. Do your thang & have fun.

8-    Escape: Get out of home. Don’t tell me there are no hotels in your town, you don’t even need to leave town to make it hot. A change of environment can be an arousal factor. Why don’t you meet for a drink after his office hour & spend few hours in a hotel room. Revive it … And whenever you can a weekend out of town can rekindle a lot of things between you. Ask him daredevil…

9-    Make Over . You can wer anything when with your husband but forget about the wrapper & the Ankara dress. Buy short dresses that you will wear just for a dinner at home with him. A bit of lipstick, a new hairstyle, henna, red nail polish, lace, silk… Be a different woman , a woman exulting desire for her husband, happy to please him & ready for a sexual firework.

10- Awaken the 5 senses; I know am repeating myself but one can never stop saying it : It’s not only about sex, but also tease his taste buds , by cooking with new spices, or give him new Cocktails to drink, use different enticing fragrances on your body & also in your home , let him see a sexier you , a clean house, touch a soft skin, hear a nice lovely music –  Sexual Healing , I wanna sex you up-, have a gentle low sexy voice tone, & …

So you have the power so don’t let it slip away just because you are happy with the ring. Take charge, Make the move & be your husband’s Mistress.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”

©Naboulove