Archives pour la catégorie New Relationship Rulebook

To the hearts I have broken : please forgive me. 

​I spent so much time in pain dwelling  about heartbreaks & darkness in my soul. I cried out torn by an Insane love story in which I was the victim & the other was the eternal heartbreaker. Wait a minute!  Rewind…  How many hearts have I broken myself?  In the selfishness of my egotistical relationships drama do I ever think about those who may be the victims?  And you do you ever put yourself in the shoes of those you may have hurt.  Do you think about that guy who loved you that you tried loving and left just because you never fell in love with him? You remember his name?  Have you ever felt any compassion for his pain?  I didn’t. I just moved on carelessly & felt like I was right because I didn’t love him.  

What about that amazing guy who made a small mistake but you just couldn’t forgive him in the name of your misled & misplaced pride.  

You are not the only one worthy of forgiveness. 

So this it the other way round. They may call it Karma. I just call it life path.  That path is not easy to walk and we must not only be self centered & self conscious but we must also care about those who love us.  How many friends have we hurt knowingly or unknowingly?  Did we even try to understand the why & how? 

I tried to dig inside my selfish self & managed to remember the hearts I may have broken , torn or bruised:   Family members, friends or lovers?  It is not a very agreeable exercise but I realized it helps.  Hurting hurts & feeling uneasy about what we did confirms it wasn’t right. What doesn’t feel good and right is generally bad & wrong.  We are not just the result of our pains. We are also the product of our guilt trips.  To all the hearts I may have broken consciously or unconsciously FOrgive me as I am working towards self forgiveness. It is not about stating excuses or giving explanations but just about consciously acknowledging that I am not nicer than those who have hurt me.  I am also responsible for some pains & some people think about me as the person who killed their hopes at a given time in life.  I had to unlove them then for some reasons that seemed valid to me at that time.  Exactly the same way, those who hurt me had to do so to find their own peace of mind when it happened.  I replaced blame shifting ,  guilt tripping & remorses with responsibility. And here I am before the world finding peace in awareness & taking responsibility for hearts broken on my life path.  

Peace Love & Light.  It is never the end as long as you breathe. 

Be Empowered because you are powerful. 

Naboulove

Can you handle the truth?

Can you handle the truth?

Every time I read here & there the idealization of truth as a token of love, I have a mitigated smile…let me explain: Your man or your woman comes home & sits then tells you: « Darling I have something to tell you ». Your heart is racing faster Usain Bolt, you are trying to look casual but in fact you are stressed, fearful as if a death sentence is about to befall on your head.

Then your life partner in a guilty sounding voice starts a long intricate unclear story in which all you understand is the : « it only happened once… » … Pain, doubts, hate, humiliation & even worse wrath because they had guts enough to throw the ugliness of their act to your face.

The then romantic promise  » we will never lie to each others » turns into a poisonous nightmare…

You don’t know what to do but one thing is sure « truth hurts » & really badly. Wd it hv been better to keep your doubts & bury your head in the sand like an Ostrich to avoid facing the facts. Or maybe hear it from the Professional gossip broadcasters? Or find out for yourself by accident…

But being spit out right here by the criminal who committed the offense is more than you can handle. It is a burning hot potato your hands just can’t hold. You are dealing with confusion, betrayal, heartache & total loss of direction. You can’t even remember if you even cried or cursed him/her pouring the kind of venom only deep pain can bring out.

Excruciating pain. You feel like the main character of a Nollywood drama. Unfortunately it is real life & it is your life…Or what is left of it.

So can you handle the truth? Are you sure you want to know it all since the truth is said to be the foundation for a trust based relationship. Think again. Did you really want to know?

Scorned? Free yourself from guilt & let the responsible one carry the burden of his misbehavior  without him or her assuming somehow that confessing will fade the lie away. Just like that… Think again. Are you ready for the naked truth? Can you bear its consequences? Don’t lie to yourself…

Be empowered because you are powerful?

©Naboulove

Single African woman survival kit (4)

4-YOU WILLSURVIVE!
My little list of survival tools you might want to use to flow comfortably through the waves of our oppressive societies.

DON’T:

  • Try not to counter argue criticisms, mockery or sarcasms. Some people just need to find faults in others to feel good & feed their insecurity. Their words will only have the power you give them.
  • Do your best not to fall into the pressure trap, panic, anxiety & pressure can lead to making the wrong choices. Whatever your spiritual orientation is just keep faith. His plans are bigger than your doubts. And he is the Creator, All-known & Almighty. Once you surrender your fears & turn them gradually into faith, you will feel so good.
  • Feel sadness or regrets when you contemplate Fatima & Ronke’s life: wives, CEO, Mothers…some seem to have it all. Yes they SEEM only. And thank God for his blessings upon you. If you weren’t blessed with life, health, eyes etc. you wouldn’t be reading this… And they are your friends & you love them. It’s better to have a bunch of happy fulfilled friends anyway.
  • Have sex for sex if you can’t manage your emotions…you can buy a dildo if it’s just for the thrill or fast whenever you have that urge… spiritual, health benefits of fasting is proven…If someone just proposes casual sex just advise him to go to hookers, they will be cheaper for him. 🙂
  • Rush into the next guy who proposes “Do you want to marry me?” Reply: Do I look like I believe in Fairytales? Unless you have known him & share a romantic past together.
  • Fall in the arms of the guy who sings a love song to you (Hello is it me you’re looking for? I can see it it your smile , I can see it in your eyes– If he can’t do the Lionel Richie Voice don’t even bother-LOL…)… , take your time before you tag him Mr right. A man ready to commit might not be right for you. Open your eyes, ears & get to know him (at least find out about his mother before you take the ring…in law management can be more challenging than the rest in Africa)
  • Reject Aziz the nice guy just because he is too nice (female paradoxal masochism) .. Give him a chance (I didn’t say in bed though). Get to know him before you play your Diva. By the way how long have you been single for?
  • Lower your standards to accept a cheater , liar & thief in your life just because you want a mate …

DO’s:

  • Nurture your yin & your yang , by enjoying the company of your male friends &/or family (brothers, cousins, childhood friends..)  in order to refresh your views & enlighten your  perspectives on the Male nation.
  • Enlarge your social circle, quit tribalism please or nationalism, racism (all those African plagues)… The world is like 3 billion male human beings, there must be one for you somehow. Even if you target 0,01% you still have a very large choice.
  • Invest your time in working to ensure your financial stability as well as working out to improve your health
  • Create an awesome relationship with yourself: eat better, exercise, learn that foreign language,
  • Get in touch with your roots: visit  your village you have never been to, learn about your family history, your customs… Knowing where you come from will help you understand yourself better.
  •  Improving your spiritual life & learn how to reach that inner feeling of self fulfillment. (nothing to do with ego )
  • Understand that your life, your destiny  is unique not a photocopy . It is yours to live don’t allow anyone to come & give you lessons or force you into things you are not ready for. Let your purpose manifest itself & believe me it can be greater than just having a man in your bed. And the right guy might just help you manifest it …Insha Allah.
  • If like my friend Ronke you have the dress & the invitation cards ready then you might want to update (fashion & trends move fast lately.LOL)
  • Anything that makes you feel good , really good for you & not for just the sake of looking socially correct. I wonder who sets the standards…
  • Review your standards if they seem really unrealistic (The guy with Bill Gates Money, Denzel Washington looks, Einstein’s brain , etc.etc. is not born yet).

 

And now let’s sing together:

« Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
And I’ve got all my love to give
I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey… »

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

The END.

Single African woman survival kit (3)

3EMBRACE YOUR STRENGHTS & WEAKNESSES

Let’s go through your strengths so you can capitalize on them & your weaknesses in order to turn them into opportunities .  

YOUR STRENGHTS

  • A big bed just for yourself , you can turn & toss at will. Hehehe…
  • Silence. And if you need noise just talk to yourself. Many unanswered questions about yourself will be sorted.
  • Plenty Space in your wardrobe & bathroom . What more can a woman ask for?
  • No permission to ask when you go out . Freedom. Freedom.
  • Dildos & sex toys are more & more sophisticated. You might meet G spot before meeting Mr Big.
  • You can have plenty toasters at once & flirt for fun,  poly-flirting girl yeah. But at some point make a choice since you have opportunities knocking at your door.
  • You can relax on your couch in front of your tv when you come back from work without being misjudged for a lazy cow. Don’t you just love your life?
  • You can eat when you want & where you want with who you want (even though in our African societies you might worry about image management, so why not call catering & organize dinners at home)
  • You can have an empty fridge (yeah even in Africa). Abeg don’t let your friends see it they might think you are broke OH.
  • You can plan exotic trips with your girlz hourrah ! just that your mum will call you 20 times a day to ask whether you met someone interesting . I mean mine would… lol . No offense Mum.
  • You chose to have standards. Congratulations! you have faith , confidence & self esteem. The world is your oyster.

YOUR WEAKNESSES

  • It’s not that fun to be alone to go to weddings or parties , keep your head up & walk with confidence, everybody is looking at you … ooh you know already.
  • You have to hire a professional to get a relaxing massage or go to spa. Hard job indeed. That is a strong weakness.
  • Every time you come back from somewhere you have to answer to : “any interesting guyz?”  Even if you come back from the Zoo.
  • You miss the man factor in your life …you know the hugs, the arguments, the heat, the making up, the companionship planning a trip together :since you haven’t planned (yet ) to be a nun or some sort of Saint , be patient, prayerful & persistent ( I didn’t tell you to stalk your ex though).
  • You are tired of dealing with the car issues, electricity problems or plumbing repairs. Hell yeah am old school this isn’t a woman’s duty to manage these.
  • Your might be boring everybody with your exes stories… You sound like a broken record: that awkward moment when at a girls’ night out everybody wants to tell a story. Better option :just describe your dream man.
  • You are afraid or you just hate being alone … Were you born with someone? Hiss. Even twins don’t stick to each others. It’s not a space filling contest
  • You miss sex. Good News: nobody dies from not having sex .
  • Are you turning into a choosy babe? No? * sigh of relief

“Does anybody really think that they didn’t get what they had because they didn’t have the talent or the strength or the endurance or the commitment?” Mandela

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…

Single African woman survival kit (2)

2- YES YOU ARE A SINGULAR WOMAN

So let’s move on with OUR ISSUE. What are the Challenges of being single in Africa at any age (in fact)?

First & foremost: you are you, unique & happy to be yourself don’t let them bring you down. Repeat after me: I am a singular babe…smile, do the doll eyes, turn around . You love you.

The  5 Common nonsense ideas you need to ignore & get out of your mind
1-idea of marriage as a necessity to be protected. I know much more wives who protect their men from disgrace nowadays. It doesn’t mean you will reject those strong protective arms from a deserving man (according to your standards).

2- A single woman is bitter, frustrated, unhappy & sexless. I think they didn’t look at you properly. If you are unhappy single , how can you have a happy couple? Makes sense right? No comment about the sexless part. Do your own math.

3-A single woman is permanently man hunting trying to tie the knot at all costs. No no no. Observing, flirting, dating once in a while, smiling to the cute new MD of your bank doesn’t mean you are desperate. Just testing the waters, in case…

4-Single equals free often confused with loose. Who said you shouldn’t watch your behavior? Don’t mind them. They wished they had the kind of freedom you can enjoy lately.So stop depressing & enjoy yourself .

5-A single woman is alone & feeling lonely. Really? Do you know any African woman who feels alone with our extra large families, friends, acquaintances & the endless crews we entertain? If you want to feel lonely, it is your choice.

The stressful people you need to avoid or learn to manage: Threatening people & attitudes
1-the stressful aunt who can never stop blabbing about her happily married kids, their achievements, her grandkids, etc. So what? You are also happy for them. Change topic whenever she starts. Nicely.
2-the envious depressed married women who wished she never listened to everybody & married that fool. She deserves a sisterly. There is one fool less on the field ..Yippi ! Tell her the demand is high so she should hold on to Joe.
3-the competing mistresses: the market of Gold digging is tight lately with the economic crisis, she can relax you are not into that rich old fart who is the latest Cash Cow in town. In fact he is already your biz partner. Let her know, but be ready for an envious panic attack: “You know Yinka Brown the billionaire?” Waouw . she might want to become your new best friend. Maybe she has a single dad, brother or cousin. LOL

4-the nosy family friend who is always asking about your  wedding date sarcastically. Get out of the room so you won’t have to be disrespectful.
5-the pressure parents who want to have grandkids asap: tell them you are going to adopt from an orphanage. Maybe your mum will give you peace. Maybe…
6-the hook-up brothers & sisters who  always have a new single to introduce! Once in a while OK for the matchmaking but not automatically.
7- the threatened insecure supposedly « happily married » friends who think their hubbies will come chase you, I said it Brad Pitt is not in Africa.
8- The party animal girlfriend who is single but can’t remember her age and never stops partying! Better get your beauty sleep if you want to look fresh. She might be looking for a sex date…
9-the bitter babe who is envious of your lifestyle. You work hard for it so what’s her own?
10-the stupid mentally ill co-workers, suppliers or potential customers  who have issues giving credit to  an unmarried childless woman. I never knew our brain was in our wombs or that a wedding band was equal to experience & degrees. This world’s standards evolve quickly.

12- All those who ask the stupid questions: when are you getting married? Did you meet somebody? Why did you break up? How come a beautiful woman like you is not married? And the list goes on… respond with a smile meaning: when did you last have sex ? If you mind your business, I will mind mine.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…