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Help! you have just been through an Emotional Rape.

Inspired by my Divalicious girls Kiki & Jamjam

So what is an emotional rape?

You are used, called when one is bored, re-used then redumped. You wipe tears, listen to heartbreaking stories of painful love issues (among others), support in times of sufferings & yet you are ignored or dumped in times of glory. How does it feel to be used & reused. Feeling like a tissue or a disposable item or even a sugar cane stick sucked til there is no more sugar in it. So this is it. That painful, useless feeling that only someone you thought loved you as a friend or sister did to you. Sometimes they are even your friend or your sister, cynically.

We humans are just soo human & sometimes so inhumans in our humanity. Raped because our emotions are penetrated , showing their deepest & genuine side. We care, sympathize sincerely, feel the pain, carry a friend’s burden, open our home doors with love & care , with trust & we agree to share one’s part of pain . We look for acts of soothing faith, take time to listen & advise, comfort & analyze. Acting half as a confessional , half as a confidant & often helping one regaining self confidence. Somehow your presence seems like a way to absolve the sin of who has been guilty of loving the wrong person or trusting who was not trustworthy. By showing empathy, we tend to become the mirror in which one sees himself as a forgivable being worthy of love. Our listening ears & lack of judgement towards our friends’ situation gives him/her a license to be not-so-perfect, leaving him/her burden less & free of being imperfect. Isn’t that called restoring a self esteem? But it hurts to just face silence or absence when we only expected  a little care in return, even just a thankful attitude for the least.  Instead of an arrogant self sufficient behavior until next time. Or sometimes a phony fake “ forgive me if I have done anything to you” if we make the mistake to complain. None of us being Angels , why not just accept the fact we misbehaved & just say : forgive me for acting so selfish. So how many times have you raped a friend emotionally ? And when were you last the victim of an emotional rape?
“Be empowered because you are powerful”
©
Naboulove

Naboulove power series 3:Exercise your unlimited power of choice

Exercise your unlimited power of choice

« Man’s power of choice enables him to think like an angel or a devil, a king or a slave. Whatever he chooses, mind will create and manifest » Frederick Bailes

Choice is a life defining factor, & a complex process hidden behind simplistic actions.  As a matter of fact each decision made – generally consciously- affect our lives in a minor or major way.  Each decisive questions’ answer is more like a verdict than a choice in a certain way.  Our selection often determinates our future in life. Should I marry him even though I don’t really love him but I want a husband? Should I resign to accept that job offer? Should I stay or should I go when I am in an unhealthy relationship? Choice is the factor that guides us through life’s labyrinth & either gets us stuck in confusion or get out of it. The power of choice lies in accepting its consequences & adapt along the way. The professional choices I made  have had a positive impact on my career & I don’t regret them.  But they took me far away from my roots, my culture, my family , my friends. The nomadic lifestyle inherited from my genes has become “the story of my life. Now I am sure you must think: why don’t you go back?  Because that decision itself needs a lot of reflection in my current life situation. And the process to make a decision about it is not soo simple. Am I ready to change country & start a life all over? Tough choice.

CHOOSING ACCORDING TO A  PROCESS

What do I have here?  What are my options?  What would be the consequences? Not only for me but for my children & for the people who work for me? Am I ready to live with the consequences of my choice. Can I be selfish & only focus on the positive for myself ,  versus the negative ways it could affect people around me..Can I handle the negative regardless of the positive outcome. Somehow I can can delay the decision but sooner or later I will not be in a position to ignore & proceed. There is a common example in Afirca that I love taking, it’s that it is not often that Generals take over in military coup. Captains are more spontaneous, they act & then they think. And they do succeed in becoming Heads of States even if it’s for a short time. If they had spent time like me measuring pros & cons, they certainly would have never done it. LOL…

So in the process, intuition, might beat logic & logic might stop you from reaching your life purpose & final goal. So think wisely , but don’t put too much rhetoric & mathematics in the procedure. But listen to your instinct. That little voice inside of us is one of our more valuable asset.  Other people’s advices can be interesting , depending who. Sometimes people who don’t know us can give us the best orientation because they talk with any prejudice. Anyway the final choice, the steps are yours to take, once you have integrated all data & digested them, the light “Eureka” will appear in front of you. Give a chance to the process, & exercise what psychologists  & philosophers call your free will.

I’ve realized that being happy is a choice. You never want to rub anybody the wrong way or not be fun to be around, but you have to be happy. When I get logical and I don’t trust my instincts – Thats when I get in trouble. Angelina Jolie

Free WILL an abstract notion

I smile when I reread the previous sentence. Our free will being conditioned by so many exogenous factors : our education, our family background , our religion, our  environment. But somehow the doers, those who contribute to the changes in the world, just follow their inner voice regardless of all the above cited. Galileo said that planet earth  was round when all the scholars then cursed him as heretic. The plane, the great discoveries we find so natural resulted from the persistence of men & women who often defied logic to follow their intuition … Even though their work was based on scientific researches. So we sure have control over our will power but do we really have free will ?

“At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice”. Maya Angelou

UNLIMITED POWER OF CHOICES

As human beings, we are endowed with freedom of choice, and we cannot shuffle off our responsibility upon the shoulders of God or nature. We must shoulder it ourselves. It is our responsibility. Arnold J. Toynbee

Few lessons were learnt or should I say gathered throughout my so eventful little  life:

-No Choice is a choice.

-When destiny chose for me even if at first I was depressed it always ended up being a blessing in disguise.

– We live up with the consequences of our decision. And no matter what there are two points of view: It can be great to stay in bed but we shouldn’t be surprised if we can’t make ends meet. We made that choice. We can either decide to start or continue thinking about it…Between the idea & the reality , One step is action. Action resulting from a conscious choice.

-To see a glass of water half empty or half full is also up to us. So the lens through which we see life is up to us. Happiness is more a choice according to me. My personal opinion.

-Choice leverages change , it can be a short term or a long term one.

-There is a big difference between Action , Reaction & Status Quo.

-You can move with the flow or go solo, your power

-Beware of the seeds of your decision. The good or bad will vary from where it rooted: : love, anger ,fear ,frustration ,joy. Pleasure is not happiness . So YOUR CHOICE …

– The right or the wrong varies according to a point of view. Your point of view is what counts as long as it’s morally ethical. Sorry no free will when you want to commit unlawful act. Conscious rules. We are humans, we know what is right from what is wrong even though the wrong seems better for you.

–  Action is not only involved when you choose but also thoughts, feelings , vibrations & energy shift. They are variables that will affect your options. So meditate, rflect & think about it without being obsessed. You might be surprised the Choice will just pop up in your head.

LIFE= SUM OF CHOICES

What is life now? Our parents choices, our habits – automated unconscious choices- . If my mum never sent me to UK & US –almost against my will- for English summer sessions when I was a teenager, would I have written in English? Not sure. If my kids were not born in US would they be US citizens? So my mum chose for me & I chose for my kids & my life & their lives will be affected somehow by these choices. However to own your choices , to master them, nurture them, endorse wisely their consequences  creates a sense of responsibility . And we are powerful when we don’t let the past, circumstances, negative feelings or other people rob our right to chose regardless of the past.

Life is now stop waiting for that perfect moment that will never come to just do that choice. Always go for what you « want », and not what others « want » for you…Only you and not others will live with the it at the end of the day  🙂 And whatever your decision , There is always another choice… A word is enough for the wise.

“You’ve got the power”

“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved”. William Jennings Bryan

©Naboulove

Naboulove power series: 2-Be N-POWERED BECAUSE YOU ARE POWER FULL

Ok Naboulove tagline is normally “Be empowered because you are powerful” I just changed the empowered by N-powered & powerful to power full . If I dared I would have written power filled…I dared. *SMILE

So what is “to empower” ? In the various definition I read it is described as “A management practice of sharing information, rewards, and power with employees “  or “the process of enabling or authorizing an individual to think, behave, take action, and control work” . From the UN’s Guidelines to Women’s Empowerment ,Women’s empowerment is :

-Sense OF Self Worth as a woman

-The right to choose

– Access to resources & opportunities

-Control over their own lives at home & within the society

-Influential in achieving social justice within their nations & at the international level

I love taking my grandmother as an example : if she managed to be a financially independent Fulani woman in the Senegal  40’s what could possibly stop me now? Just wondering… But you will be surprised by my views on empowerment. Yes a stay at home mum can be more empowered than a high executive lady Boss. Unlike what can be thought some women make that conscious choice & they still have a voice in their couple without feeling used & abused. With new technologies many women operate home based business & are achieving some sort of financial independence that help them sustain to their basic needs. But anyway beside that general notion of empowerment , I believe that we need to “emancipate ourselves from mental slavery” to be in a  full process of empowerment. So what makes one power -fully  power filled and N-POWERED?

1- Do you say No or Yes when you really feel it & want it or do you just say it to please the crowd? Next time you say yes or no just think before you speak. The choice is yours.

2- Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability,  you are just being human with strengths & weaknesses . Cry without shame & let that pain Go & let God, he is in control.

3-  Expressing your pain & sorrow gives you a power , a sensitivity ,a humanity. Since you have had the strength to let God you become Fearless & totally Faithfull. There is so much power in faith.

4- Embrace change wherever it comes from, learn to integrate it as an opportunity to upgrade yourself physically, spiritually, Emotionally. So don’t be afraid when you are out of your comfort zone. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.

5-Say it out loud the way you believe it, fight for your truth, be real. Really real. Just try do things for yourself without seeking  approval. You were born for a mission so open your wings & start flying because you can fly.

6- Be your sisters’ keeper, lend a hand to other women. Don’t judge until you wear her shoes. Respect differences, you are not more powerful because you carry a designer bag , have a rich husband or hold a MBA. Our sisters who carry heavy loads from dawn to dusk to guaranty a loaf of bread to their kids or sell puff puffs on the road side are much more courageous than us. Be open to those who are different from you. Be humble enough to learn , stop looking down. Praise the successful, support the mislead & try to make constructive critics. Or STFU (shut the fuck up –yeah I said it). There is power in appreciation. It shows you love yourself enough to love others. Envy is just a manifestation of low self esteem & self hate. If you didn’t know now you do…

7-Try to  Connect positively around you. Share your smile, your sorrows, your joys, your pains , your cause, your knowledge, your blessings. Be generous with your emotions & your experience. Your mistakes might help somebody. Sharing is caring. Connecting is strengthening. Connect, Communicate, Care.

8- Cultivate your inner Harmony– by doing what you can with what you have: its called contentment & start chasing procrastination with action by doing what you have to do when you have to do it. Hmm reminder to self.*Sigh

9- Nurture Love love & love. Let people deal with the rest :their insecurities, negativity & their own luggage. Step up & feel secure to love.

10-Stop apologizing for being you. Just stand up because you are a Powerfully power filled  & powerful sister, mother, daughter, wife, friend, woman.

“Be N-powered Because you are Power Full”

©Naboulove

Naboulove Power series : 1-Shine with the power of Love.

« When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace » Jimi Hendrix

At the center of life is love the most powerful  tool we have at our disposal. The love cycle is unending fulfilling & rewarding.

Love cycle is  unending as it  knows no limit as long as we let it grow & flow within, it expands inside out  & turns into a positive brightening energy that will definitely be fulfilling for any being. Also, if you do what you love & learn to love what you do , you can only be fulfilled, the opposite of being frustrated. The following also  applies : “if you accept & love yourself enough then you can only feel good about who you are”. As a fulfilled person you can only give the best to others. Giving is rewarding, especially when it is done genuinely without expectations & somehow by planting the seeds of love, it will grow & come back from the universe as a flow of unending love.

Don’t you just feel wonderful when you focus on loving yourself then work on sharing only love with those around you?

So how do you turn a destructive feeling into love? Hard & challenging task indeed. I read a beautiful book of Leo Buscaglia who was sharing his love teachings with his students.

And I realized that society rules pushes us into a scheme: lwe are asked is to excel in life in what we do. We are happy as kids to come back with endless awards & as adults we collect degrees & medals, and we race up the ladder of success in order to be at the top. Finding a life partner & building a family in fear of continuity is our main goal in life.  Where is love? We hate school, the majority dislike their job & in the current social environment family is a failure. Am I an utopist thinking that « Peace & Love » is the only way forward? I am a realistic person , an average human person whose life was centered around success… It is just that looking closer at people who live a life centered around the Power of Love, I notice that they live a successful life.

My own recipe of the « power of love »

I have been quite an above average student, proud of my degrees & professional achievements but obviously I wasn’t really me until I listened to that inner voice who had so much to share. I was somewhat hiding who I was & what I loved just because I thought I was undressing myself before the world letting people read through my feelings, discover my vulnerability, explore my scars with me, and maybe see me as a weak person. I wasn’t brave enough to share my expression of love & life. I kept on writing my pains, joys & sorrows just for myself. And I knew that putting one word after the other was making me alive much more than my degrees, my ability to converse fluently in several language or even my corporate position. I gave enough credit to myself, decided to love my words & a friend of mine gave me a book I cherish more than anything. A classic book on writing in english. So like some find their expression of love in dancing, singing, accounting, or even physics or mathematics, I just found out that endorsing what I loved doing fearlessly was the purest expression of self love & love. I could hug the world with words, be at peace with myself & just shine from within letting go of pains & anger with just a pen & a paper.  I learnt forgiveness with writing, I realized the essence of love was much more than just 2 people holding hands together but one heart trying to heal permanently from the worlds’ constant emotional challenges. Let go of fear, let go off hurt, let go off anger , find a way to crystallize them into something you love doing that will let them out & turn them into love & maybe touch a soul with it. Reading, trying to grow more love in me has been a transforming experience & a certitude that everything I was looking for, that extraordinary love we are chasing all our life is a powerful force that we need to dig from within. Once we are in that process, we will face our hidden fears, re-open scars that haven’t totally healed & deal with our pains. I never said it was easy, it can even be frustrating because like everything else it requires patience, strength & work. But in the end ( even though it is a never ending process), you will find that little light inside of you, that powerful feeling  you filled with love & definitely shining around you. You will find the strength to love no matter what or at least you will make the effort to search that inner force. You will only love & appreciate the  beauty &  talent in others naturally. you will run away from hateful negative beings. And you will open your heart to people regardless of their age, origins, background , etc.. And you will learn to enjoy the richness behind each relationship. Some will find you self centered arrogant & narcissistic , which might even be the case but in the end what matters is your courage & ability to be just you.

 

« Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a

listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all

of which have the potential to turn a life around.”― Leo F. Buscaglia

Be empowered because you are powerful

©Naboulove

Single African woman survival kit (4)

4-YOU WILLSURVIVE!
My little list of survival tools you might want to use to flow comfortably through the waves of our oppressive societies.

DON’T:

  • Try not to counter argue criticisms, mockery or sarcasms. Some people just need to find faults in others to feel good & feed their insecurity. Their words will only have the power you give them.
  • Do your best not to fall into the pressure trap, panic, anxiety & pressure can lead to making the wrong choices. Whatever your spiritual orientation is just keep faith. His plans are bigger than your doubts. And he is the Creator, All-known & Almighty. Once you surrender your fears & turn them gradually into faith, you will feel so good.
  • Feel sadness or regrets when you contemplate Fatima & Ronke’s life: wives, CEO, Mothers…some seem to have it all. Yes they SEEM only. And thank God for his blessings upon you. If you weren’t blessed with life, health, eyes etc. you wouldn’t be reading this… And they are your friends & you love them. It’s better to have a bunch of happy fulfilled friends anyway.
  • Have sex for sex if you can’t manage your emotions…you can buy a dildo if it’s just for the thrill or fast whenever you have that urge… spiritual, health benefits of fasting is proven…If someone just proposes casual sex just advise him to go to hookers, they will be cheaper for him. 🙂
  • Rush into the next guy who proposes “Do you want to marry me?” Reply: Do I look like I believe in Fairytales? Unless you have known him & share a romantic past together.
  • Fall in the arms of the guy who sings a love song to you (Hello is it me you’re looking for? I can see it it your smile , I can see it in your eyes– If he can’t do the Lionel Richie Voice don’t even bother-LOL…)… , take your time before you tag him Mr right. A man ready to commit might not be right for you. Open your eyes, ears & get to know him (at least find out about his mother before you take the ring…in law management can be more challenging than the rest in Africa)
  • Reject Aziz the nice guy just because he is too nice (female paradoxal masochism) .. Give him a chance (I didn’t say in bed though). Get to know him before you play your Diva. By the way how long have you been single for?
  • Lower your standards to accept a cheater , liar & thief in your life just because you want a mate …

DO’s:

  • Nurture your yin & your yang , by enjoying the company of your male friends &/or family (brothers, cousins, childhood friends..)  in order to refresh your views & enlighten your  perspectives on the Male nation.
  • Enlarge your social circle, quit tribalism please or nationalism, racism (all those African plagues)… The world is like 3 billion male human beings, there must be one for you somehow. Even if you target 0,01% you still have a very large choice.
  • Invest your time in working to ensure your financial stability as well as working out to improve your health
  • Create an awesome relationship with yourself: eat better, exercise, learn that foreign language,
  • Get in touch with your roots: visit  your village you have never been to, learn about your family history, your customs… Knowing where you come from will help you understand yourself better.
  •  Improving your spiritual life & learn how to reach that inner feeling of self fulfillment. (nothing to do with ego )
  • Understand that your life, your destiny  is unique not a photocopy . It is yours to live don’t allow anyone to come & give you lessons or force you into things you are not ready for. Let your purpose manifest itself & believe me it can be greater than just having a man in your bed. And the right guy might just help you manifest it …Insha Allah.
  • If like my friend Ronke you have the dress & the invitation cards ready then you might want to update (fashion & trends move fast lately.LOL)
  • Anything that makes you feel good , really good for you & not for just the sake of looking socially correct. I wonder who sets the standards…
  • Review your standards if they seem really unrealistic (The guy with Bill Gates Money, Denzel Washington looks, Einstein’s brain , etc.etc. is not born yet).

 

And now let’s sing together:

« Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
And I’ve got all my love to give
I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey… »

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

The END.