Archives pour la catégorie Break up or start-up?

On How to overcome the ending of a relationship.

The Devil Was Once An Angel

She came to me crying , shaking & shivering. « What’s wrong Diana? » I asked. I could hardly hear  her voice under the sobs , but the words « slapped “ & “me » she muttered ,made me boil instantly. It wasn’t the first time she was coming to me with complaints about Musa’s behavior. Last time he was upset because she went out with me for lunch, and he snapped because according to him, she was dressed like a prostitute . I am quite shocked by his current Amnesia, her sexy chic  style was what attracted him to Diana. Another time, he threw the plate in her face whilst they were having dinner, just because there was a slice of tomato « you know I hate tomato » was his excuse. The once charming, loving & so friendly Musa was obviously turning into a controlling, jealous & violent monster. Maybe was he just showing his real colors.

This time, the controlling behavior & verbal abuse escalated into a physical abuse. I was looking at my friend’s miserable & sad face even though she was covered with diamond jewelry, carrying the latest Chanel Bag & the keys of the latest Range Rover thrown on my table. He obviously spoiling her with all the things a woman could dream of  but the more he was showering her with gifts, the more the abuse as if she had turned into his private property. « Stay at my house «  for few days was all I could suggest to Diana. With a frightened glance, Sobbing she declined my offer “ thank you  but I can’t, It will be worse”. She was shaking  with fear… Seeing her like this was giving me goose pimples.

I knew that calling him or talking to him would create more problems for Diana. So I swallowed my pain & anger. I just faced  her & asked: “honestly is it the first time that bastard touches you”. Surprised & embarrassed by my question, her tears filled eyes gave me an even sadder look. At that exact moment, she reminded me of the sheep about to get slaughtered. I was expecting an answer, even a lie. But she stayed mute. Her silence was a crystal clear answer…I could hardly imagine that lovely elegant well mannered Musa with his velvet voice & good looks kill a fly so to picture him using Diana, my strong & fearless childhood friend, as a punching ball was a vision of horror. Painful vision. Her fairytale has turned into a living nightmare. And the Angel turned into a Devil…

As she was wiping the black tracks left by the dripping mascara on her face, she attempted a forced smile « he threatened  to kill me if I leave him« .

I replied upset but  trying not to express my anger by shouting  at her:” I know he will kill you if you stay”. She just got up hugged me as if it was the last time, took her Chanel bag & her car keys & walked with uncertainty towards the door. I knew deepdown inside me that she was sending herself back to hell. But what more could I do than offer her my home? Until she decides for herself knowing that his endless promises “Baby it is the last time, I love you so much, I will never touch you again.” Lies. Lies. Deadly lies.

To all the woman abused, verbally, physically , emotionally. Do the right thing before it is too late.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

 

30 LIFE LESSONS from the EX- Periment

We have had exes, men that came in our lives , incarnating our ideal at that time & who appeared to Be more a character coming from our worst nightmares for  some, others appeared to be more friends than life partners & for the majority of them, it was a pure mismatch , nothing that time or a major revolution could have improved in any ways. The so charming appeared to be so narcissistic, the open minded showed  his awfully possessive face, the party animal made it clear that he wanted to party but alone, the Perfect Bachelor had two wives & 9 kids (thanks to Ovation magazine & their coverage of society weddings), & the list goes on & on & on…I am sure you can complete with me.

Whether Ex-flirts, Ex-Boyfriends, Ex-Chaser , & even Ex-husband, let’s learn not to hate or keep grudge . No matter how hard they might have hurt me, (I must have hurt some of them too obviously), It took me time to free myself  from pain, anger & even some sort of feeling close to hate, ( I somewhat felt humiliated in some situations, I will spare you the ugly details, but I am sure we all went  through that). But in the end I am soo grateful to those who came in my life as a lesson teaching thingz & being part of my journey & in the creation process of the being I am today . So just do your best to work on yourself, heal from your unseen scars , pick up your life, put your pieces together & whenever you feel ready ,  move on to  living your own history.

LESSON 1– People don’t change & you won’t change them no matter how much you love them OR EVEN HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU. Fact.

LESSON 2– Be Independent as much as you can , work hard, have an income of your own, & count on yourself no matter how rich your husband or your parents could be. Other people’s money is their money.

LESSON 3– Boyz will always be boys. So they will always like their male gathering, enjoy going out without you & that won’t mean they don’t love you.

LESSON 4– There is a difference between lust, infatuation & love. A man in lust will lose interest if he doesn’t get what he want, an infatuated man is just a lost bobo looking for a fling, whereas a man in love (Real love), will do what it takes to respect the courtship rules & make you happy.

LESSON 5– A man can fall out of love & interest even after 40 years & 6 kids , there is nothing wrong for them about that.  So if Love is dead for him, & you are not in a fighting mood , have a plan B,C & D.

LESSON 6-A man in love with someone else when he is with you can be wicked. Fact. So read through the lines.

LESSON 7-Seeking revenge will hurt you more & make you look like a fool. The guy is happy with someone else so try & be happy with yourself.

LESSON 8-Possessive insecure Jealous guys always picture you having an adventure , coz somehow they are not faithful & think everybody is like them.

LESSON 9-He might cheat on you & still love you. I know some won’t agree but you need to analyze facts.

LESSON 10– YOU WONT DIE FROM A BREAK UP, IT WILL BE ANOTHER START UP OPPORTUNITY, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

LESSON 11-SOME  LOVES STORIES ARE BEAUTIFUL BUT NOT ENDLESS LIKE IN THE BOOKS.

LESSON 12– it is not nice to dump someone brutally on the account that we don’t love them anymore (am guilty & if you are concerned hope you forgave me as much as I did those who fell out of love of me) . Mea Culpa

LESSONS 13-LOVE IS NOT THAT BLIND COZ BUT WE JUST DON’T WANT TO ACCEPT SOME SIGNS & KEEP HOPING… “Explanexcuses” – a naboulovism- ARE NO NOS;

LESSON 14-NEVER SHOW OR TELL HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE. IN AFRICA MEN DON’T GENERALLY ENTER THEIR WIVES FINANCIAL RECORDS BUT EACH SITUATION IS DIFFERENT…YOU MIGHT PAY THE PRICE TOMORROW;

LESSON 15-MEN NOWADAYS  ARE SMART & RICH POWERFUL GUYZ ARE NOT ALWAYS THE MORE GENEROUS, BUT LIKE A GOLD DIGGER DIGS FOR DOLLARS HE DIGS FOR FREE EASY SEX…

LESSON 16– MEN DON’T HAVE GUILT FEELINGS

LESSON 17– CAN SOMEONE WHO HURT YOU VERY BADLY , CHEATED ON YOU, LIED TO YOU CAN GENUINELY BE YOUR FRIEND? TO forgive doesn’t mean to hold on a biased friendship.  DON’T send mixed messages ;

LESSON 18– NO RELATIONSHIP IS HERE TO HEAL YOU, You have to find the strength within you to sort your issues.

LESSON 19– TO BE SINGLE IS NOT SO BAD , BUT GIVE LOVE A CHANCE,  BE OPEN TO SHARE YOUR COMPLETE LIFE WITH ANOTHER .

LESSON 20– Cultural & religion differences are not so easy to embrace in Africa & different cultural point of views require a lot of “management’ & “compromise”. So listen to your mother once in a while.

LESSON 21– Commitment is not soo easy… Are you ready to be in a polygamous marriage? Will his children Love you? His mother is known to have a strong grip on him? Etc. It is not only about hearts & flowers …It is called real life.

LESSON 22-SOMETIMES LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. YOU LOVE HIM , HE LOVES YOU BUT YOU CAN’T SACRIFICE YOURSELF ON THE ALTAR OF LOVE.

LESSON 23– NOBODY IS WORTH SACRIFICING YOUR DREAMS; some people have issues WITH YOU BEING YOURSELF …And certainly someone will love you for being Your real self.

LESSON 24– Your Ex is by no mean your competitor, so celebrate & bless the fact that he has been in your life as a lesson .

LESSON 25-Unlike what society & culture is stressing upon us , to be single is not a disease & it is far much better to be  happily single than bitterly married or depressively in a relationship.

LESSON 26– COMMUNICATION IS KEY , ASSUMPTIONS MIGHT GIVE YOU HEADACHES? HEARTACHES, STOMACHACHES FOR NO VALID REASONS; ASK what you want to know.

LESSON 27– A person’s  unjustified negative behavior towards you is most of the time motivated by inbred issues from his background , education &/or personality.

LESSON 28 Sometimes the right person arrives at a wrong moment or is in the wrong situation… And when it’s the case do what is right for you.

LESSON 29-His friends & his family are not your friends & your family, they serve his interest not yours…

LESSON 30– A Cheap guy is a cheap guy & will be a cheap husband…Ditto. And many rich guys are cheap ooh.

GOD has a plan for you, so keep faith instead of living in the constant fear of being hurt, left, or even loved.

I would love it if you could share what you learnt from your Ex-periment …

“Be empowered because you are powerful “

©Naboulove

15 Signs You Are stuck In A deep Relation-Shit

Some of us think they are in a relationship ( meaning a sharing & loving, caring partnership with a significant other)  whereas in fact what we are truly sharing is a relation-Shit. Yes indeed .Hey, am not telling you to get out of it or trying to patronize you about your life but I just want to refresh your memory – and mine- about the signs that we often generate “valid” excuses for. But at least if one or many of them remind you of something you are currently going through now , you will have NO CHOICE but to acknowledge the reality of the situation & deal with it emotionally.
1You never went to his house & he only comes to your house late at night & never spent  the night with you unless in another town or country.  Few hours of pleasure in a bed is all you share.
2-You don’t know any of his friends or family members & if you happen to bump into one , he never introduces you as you would expect to be introduced to (This is Halima? My mistress..). Nor does he even want to meet any of your close  people either. Puzzling? No . Where is your clarity ? You are more like a spare tyre to him. Or reciprocally you don’t feel  comfortable about introducing him to your circle of friends & family. In this case you are the user. this shows an obvious & serious discomfort. Action plan??
3-He never takes you out in public places unless you are a diluted in a group. Do you look like Frankenstein sister or what?  Maybe is hiding you …
4– You are not single (either in a relationship or married) or he is not single. Happily married to someone else?  Even those who are unhappily married hardly make the move in our African societies. Maybe that is just a fling or  you are in lust with each other. Manageable if it is on both sides. It can be very hurtful if there is an imbalance: one in love & the other one in lust. Run before it’s too late either way.
5-He is extremely generous but never discuss the real issues with you regarding a possible future, that is what I call  showering you with guilt-freeing gifts. If you are in a materialistic scheme then fine… But you won’t  get more than that unless a miracle happens. Remember don’t miss the start.
6-He is single but  his overall sentimental situation is an unsolvable equation with x’s & y ‘s .This man will never change ooh & he is even worse than a married man because he is allergic to commitment. Keep your expectations low, he is hopeless professional player … Can you play according to his rules? Maybe yes, if your heart is made of steel.

7– You have been together for a long time but nothing seems to move in your story- the painful Status Quo. He doesn’t make any plans with you & any attempt you make to have a perspective view of the relationship  ends up in an unfair argument. Please spare us the “ he wasted my time of these years”…It is Crystal clear.
8– He never makes time to call you or to be with – you are doing all the job:  calling, creating meet ups, visiting him, etc… Since when do women do the chase in Africa?
9-Both of you are pressuring  the other regarding the “change factor” .If you can’t accept ,love each other  the way you are then you are in for an ugly ending. Work it out before it is too late.

10– When the  whole situation just doesn’t feel right ( you are either sad, unhappy, depressed, guilty, worried) & you just hate yourself for not stepping into the plate then do what you’ve got to do if you afford it.
11-Lack of trust: him or you are controlling, checking on each other schedule , asking for full reports constantly & living in the constant fear of being  cheated on. Insecurity issues have to be solved whoever you will be with so if you are the sickly jealous cure yourself or you are promised to a life of misery.

12-Unequal balance of power: One of you always  decides about everything. Didn’t we say that there is more joy in balance?

13-You share different values therefore don’t have the same focuses in life, even though you have made the step to share a life together… If driving a Porsche is more important to him than owning a house, or if you have total opposite values then…

14-Pain exceeds Joy in the overall relationship…If you were happier on your own then get out of it ASAP.

15– If one of you uses abusive language  or has an abusive behavior, putting the down in front of people through emotional, physical or verbal abuse, due to an unidentified complex. Then suffer a heartbreak, before we come to your funeral.
So whatever you choose to do -stay or go – make sure you ain’t daydreaming of a « happily ever after » type of ending coz it ain’t gonna happen. If that relation-shit serves a purpose in your life at that given time ( rebound , friends with benefits,sex partners…) then keep your eyes open & don’t put your expectations too high…and please don’t fall in love! If you can…

« Be empowered because you are powerful »

©Naboulove

THE BITTER SHIFT

The hot debates, violent discussions, and burning  issues in the Ladies’ circles are always about the « Other woman » , »the marriage wrecker » , »the husband’s thief », « the horrible mistress »  etc. but recently, in Africa many formerly happily married wives experience a reverse phenomenon resulting from their husbands’ commitment with another woman. I have been the witness of such a  situation as a friend of mine , a legitimate & legally married wife lost her moral  privileges towards “the other woman” . Unlike many situations where the man handles multiple wives, with equal responsibilities towards each of them, in this case, he deserted  his wife emotionally and disconnected totally from her without officially leaving her. She stays the Mrs but hardly enjoys the bliss and happiness of marriage.

What happened to them? What made the situation possible? How come  two adults who once loved each other to such an extent that they chose to share their life for better or worse could be living in a house like neighbors.  My friend told me her story. After few years of love, their relationship grew to a close friendship, with less and less sex. Due to Political turmoil in their home country, she moved to Europe with her kids ,ignoring that the few months would turn into years of separation that would  sign the death penalty of their couples’ life. With the help of distance , they started drifting apart slowly and surely. They shifted from less sex to Sexless leaving my friend bitter & depressed. Alerted by some of her friends, what she suspected turned into a  reality: her 15 years old husband had another woman in his life! Not just a girlfriend but a woman he was treating like he used to treat her. Whatever she lacked and missed from her husband, was given to that woman. The so called “Other Woman”. Hurt, scorned, depressed, she was consulting pastors and friends who were giving them some “wise” advices: « Don’t give up » « pray hard »  » be patient » etc. Who are they to patronize her constantly? I wished they could walk in my shoes. Distressed, lonely, depressed, longing for the lost intimacy & connection with her husband, she made a vow: I will never divorce. But whilst she is hanging on their vows « for the better and the worst », Mr Hubby the provider was living the better and Mrs Wife super depressed was experiencing the worst. And one day she woke up with a new perspective as if she was waking up from a bad dream : The awakening.  Mrs Wife realized that whatever is happening in her life now , the pain, the sorrow, the loneliness,  it is all about herself , not about her children, her friends, her husband, her parents or  the society. “I am the one carrying the burden of a messed up marriage, my life is sad” ,she confessed to me one day just after that moment arrived, “I have become the other woman. She is the one he laughs with , The one he confides his secrets to, the one  he travels with, the one he is living a life with. So Where do I fit? a bitter housewife waiting for a man who sees her as the mother of his kids. De-womanized, don’t I deserve to live a life of my own with a man who shows me love and affection? She turned around with a discreet smile : my sister, I decided to move from my bitter shift to my better self! It is about  time for me to live. »

©Naboulove

DON’T MISS THE START!

There is a new glow on your face, your eyes are shining, you irradiate happiness, smiling for no reason, unlike the 6 previous months. It seems like you have a man in your bed oooh sorry I meant in your life! The magic and the spark of a new relationship is showing all over your face. Please Madam leave the moon for a second, Stop floating on your fantasy filled cloud & come back  to reality , wake up before you repeat the mistakes of the past and take action so that you don’t fail to achieve a solid relationship. Once the  magic fades. It is like in a marathon, you should set the pace from the start in order to find the rhythm that will keep you fit and running on a long distance. So before it’s too late, set the right pace not to miss the start of your fresh relationship. I gathered this list from my personal experience, as well as from exchanging with friends from both genders. Feel free to enrich if you feel something is missing. So here we go:
1-set clear rules outlining the limits for each of you
2-express your expectations with words (your wants and needs)
3- say it when you  are unhappy
4-start what you can finish (if you cook chef dinner every day you can never go back so beware!)
5-listen to your heart (don’t shut your inner voice, your feminine intuition has a way of sending signals you shouldn’t underestimate)
6-you are in love then show appreciation (it is not about saying I love you every second though)
7-only show your good side (if you stay together long enough if he will your other side)
8-Concentrate on his good side but keep an eye on eventual unacceptable traits (physical abuse , serial cheater…)
8-be a woman of interior ( create a homely cosy atmosphere)
9-have listening ear ,observing eyes and a shut mouth (best way to know him better)
10-anticipate his needs and wants (don’t overdo it though be moderate and balanced in your ways)
11-first time sex might not be good so don’t judge or give up, learn to know each other sexually
12-don’t show to much independence, let him be in charge, don’t be afraid to need him
13-Don’t let your world revolve around him! Live your life outside the « two of you ».
14-give him some space (don’t call him every hour please!)
15-don’t accept the unacceptable (you deserve respect)
16-don’t leave a third party in between you (already have communication issues?)
17-don’t rush to meet his mother or introduce yours yet ! (Wait a month at least)
18-be a reliable woman, a man needs a supportive partner, I didn’t say be his slave though!
19-don’t show up untidy or messy
20-keep your feminine secrets (who cares about your vaginal discharges and your pill history?)
21-don’t disclose  your friends’ dirty secrets ( he might believe yours are equally dirty)
22-Don’t let him control you emotionally, financially or physically &don’t be controlling
23-stop pretending you don’t care when it hurts, either you say it or you get over it if you keep silent
24-forget about your ex’s and don’t mention him/them (this might be used against you in a near future)
25-give him the benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise
26-be unpredictable
27-remember: you are not always write on everything so cut the crap once in a while.
28-let him feel he controls things while u are the master of the game
29-Never ever humiliate him in public ( or even in private), address your issues to him in a mature way
30-Don’t move in or let him move in..
31-stay away from shower cap, face mask, grandma style wrapper when he is around if it works out you will have a lifetime to show your natural self
32-learn to respect his silence, you don’t have to fill the space it with words all the time (Still working on that one myself)
33-listen more than you talk
34-Don’t nag or complain… yet
35-let go off fear, if you did your best and he goes then he just doesn’t deserve you so cry a day or two and move on

No matter how far you have gotten  in your relationship , it is never too late to try to fix oneself and improve the current state of your love affair. Pick whatever item that might apply to your current situation and make the shift. What it takes is just to accept as Ghandi states it so well  » to be the change you want to see in the world ». Even though things are always  wonderful in the start never lose sight that « the same causes create the same effects », so Lady it is time to take the bull by the horn and make this work!
Xoxo
2011©Naboulove