Archives pour la catégorie Break up or start-up?

On How to overcome the ending of a relationship.

There is strenght in weakness… 

You dont have to be always Strong, there is strenght in weakness. 

Life is a cycle with ups & down, a war front where we face daily challenges & overcome struggles.  They can be the loss of a loved one, a break Up, a necessary change of lifestyle , the  fight for survival , a chronic disease…
 It Has been a cliché to praise strong women & men , to do the apology of emotionless super heroes and forget that after all, we are all so human, So vulnerable,  So sensitive & breakable.   I think the trend pushing us into pretending to be strong & unbreakable is the greatest disease of our Times . We refrain from crying, avoid showing our heartaches & ignore the healing process attached to any brutal event that May affect our lives. Emotionally we need to allow ourselves to go through the process that will lead us to acceptance. Instead of doing so, we shut our feelings, pretend to be fine,  fake happiness & move on , unaware that we are broken inside. And unknowingly, ONE Day we have symptoms of PTSD (post traumatric stress disorder) caused by the absence of grieving from a traumatizing experience. Myself ,I have often appeared as being the Strong woman , the leading sister in control, seemingly happy & smiling through hell . I was taught that a strong woman keeps her pain to herself. I was raised as a Fulani not to show off my emotions & feelings & never to expose my weaknesses.  But life has taught me a different lesson:  I have come to realize that being down & low is a strenght that will allow me to heal properly , to have thinner scars , to repair the broken parts of me. Skipping that stage is what contributes to Create nervous breakdown,  bitterness & a feeling of unhappiness that can’t be explained or defined . Go back to your abandonned heartaches, list them, face them, evaluate their level of healing, act upon them , grieve, hate , cry, then soothe, forgive & start healing by mending your open scars. All the wounds you left open inside you, that may affect Your emotional well Being , allow them to be closed & heal as needed . Talk to whoever you need to , forget about the African « What People would think » drama ,after all they are as human & vulnerable as you are, ignore the How  society would judge  you » & share your suffering . If It means talking to a shrink , do It. If It means crying in the arms of your mother or siblings, do it, however you need to let It Out, just do It. Dont Keep that poison inside you , let It flow, let It build you, let It strenghten you , then you will be ready to move on permanently. 
Beware,  I Never said you should mourn forever but give It a timeframe that will allow you to come out of it refreshed not broken into pieces. We are not super heroes of fiction with magic Powers that Will Help us heal in minutes , We are just humans regardless of our age, position or gender , We have feelings , We have weaknesses, We have empathy & we cannot shut our human side in the name of appearing strong for the sake of appearances. 

Be empowered by your weaknesses 
Naboulove 

To the hearts I have broken : please forgive me. 

​I spent so much time in pain dwelling  about heartbreaks & darkness in my soul. I cried out torn by an Insane love story in which I was the victim & the other was the eternal heartbreaker. Wait a minute!  Rewind…  How many hearts have I broken myself?  In the selfishness of my egotistical relationships drama do I ever think about those who may be the victims?  And you do you ever put yourself in the shoes of those you may have hurt.  Do you think about that guy who loved you that you tried loving and left just because you never fell in love with him? You remember his name?  Have you ever felt any compassion for his pain?  I didn’t. I just moved on carelessly & felt like I was right because I didn’t love him.  

What about that amazing guy who made a small mistake but you just couldn’t forgive him in the name of your misled & misplaced pride.  

You are not the only one worthy of forgiveness. 

So this it the other way round. They may call it Karma. I just call it life path.  That path is not easy to walk and we must not only be self centered & self conscious but we must also care about those who love us.  How many friends have we hurt knowingly or unknowingly?  Did we even try to understand the why & how? 

I tried to dig inside my selfish self & managed to remember the hearts I may have broken , torn or bruised:   Family members, friends or lovers?  It is not a very agreeable exercise but I realized it helps.  Hurting hurts & feeling uneasy about what we did confirms it wasn’t right. What doesn’t feel good and right is generally bad & wrong.  We are not just the result of our pains. We are also the product of our guilt trips.  To all the hearts I may have broken consciously or unconsciously FOrgive me as I am working towards self forgiveness. It is not about stating excuses or giving explanations but just about consciously acknowledging that I am not nicer than those who have hurt me.  I am also responsible for some pains & some people think about me as the person who killed their hopes at a given time in life.  I had to unlove them then for some reasons that seemed valid to me at that time.  Exactly the same way, those who hurt me had to do so to find their own peace of mind when it happened.  I replaced blame shifting ,  guilt tripping & remorses with responsibility. And here I am before the world finding peace in awareness & taking responsibility for hearts broken on my life path.  

Peace Love & Light.  It is never the end as long as you breathe. 

Be Empowered because you are powerful. 

Naboulove

Help! you have just been through an Emotional Rape.

Inspired by my Divalicious girls Kiki & Jamjam

So what is an emotional rape?

You are used, called when one is bored, re-used then redumped. You wipe tears, listen to heartbreaking stories of painful love issues (among others), support in times of sufferings & yet you are ignored or dumped in times of glory. How does it feel to be used & reused. Feeling like a tissue or a disposable item or even a sugar cane stick sucked til there is no more sugar in it. So this is it. That painful, useless feeling that only someone you thought loved you as a friend or sister did to you. Sometimes they are even your friend or your sister, cynically.

We humans are just soo human & sometimes so inhumans in our humanity. Raped because our emotions are penetrated , showing their deepest & genuine side. We care, sympathize sincerely, feel the pain, carry a friend’s burden, open our home doors with love & care , with trust & we agree to share one’s part of pain . We look for acts of soothing faith, take time to listen & advise, comfort & analyze. Acting half as a confessional , half as a confidant & often helping one regaining self confidence. Somehow your presence seems like a way to absolve the sin of who has been guilty of loving the wrong person or trusting who was not trustworthy. By showing empathy, we tend to become the mirror in which one sees himself as a forgivable being worthy of love. Our listening ears & lack of judgement towards our friends’ situation gives him/her a license to be not-so-perfect, leaving him/her burden less & free of being imperfect. Isn’t that called restoring a self esteem? But it hurts to just face silence or absence when we only expected  a little care in return, even just a thankful attitude for the least.  Instead of an arrogant self sufficient behavior until next time. Or sometimes a phony fake “ forgive me if I have done anything to you” if we make the mistake to complain. None of us being Angels , why not just accept the fact we misbehaved & just say : forgive me for acting so selfish. So how many times have you raped a friend emotionally ? And when were you last the victim of an emotional rape?
“Be empowered because you are powerful”
©
Naboulove

Can you handle the truth?

Can you handle the truth?

Every time I read here & there the idealization of truth as a token of love, I have a mitigated smile…let me explain: Your man or your woman comes home & sits then tells you: « Darling I have something to tell you ». Your heart is racing faster Usain Bolt, you are trying to look casual but in fact you are stressed, fearful as if a death sentence is about to befall on your head.

Then your life partner in a guilty sounding voice starts a long intricate unclear story in which all you understand is the : « it only happened once… » … Pain, doubts, hate, humiliation & even worse wrath because they had guts enough to throw the ugliness of their act to your face.

The then romantic promise  » we will never lie to each others » turns into a poisonous nightmare…

You don’t know what to do but one thing is sure « truth hurts » & really badly. Wd it hv been better to keep your doubts & bury your head in the sand like an Ostrich to avoid facing the facts. Or maybe hear it from the Professional gossip broadcasters? Or find out for yourself by accident…

But being spit out right here by the criminal who committed the offense is more than you can handle. It is a burning hot potato your hands just can’t hold. You are dealing with confusion, betrayal, heartache & total loss of direction. You can’t even remember if you even cried or cursed him/her pouring the kind of venom only deep pain can bring out.

Excruciating pain. You feel like the main character of a Nollywood drama. Unfortunately it is real life & it is your life…Or what is left of it.

So can you handle the truth? Are you sure you want to know it all since the truth is said to be the foundation for a trust based relationship. Think again. Did you really want to know?

Scorned? Free yourself from guilt & let the responsible one carry the burden of his misbehavior  without him or her assuming somehow that confessing will fade the lie away. Just like that… Think again. Are you ready for the naked truth? Can you bear its consequences? Don’t lie to yourself…

Be empowered because you are powerful?

©Naboulove

From a man …

Married or not this is a must read this…

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up…..

Unknown author

I got it in a chain mail & I found it so moving that I just thought about sharing it to my readers.

“Be empowered because you are powerful “

©Naboulove