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Help! you have just been through an Emotional Rape.

Inspired by my Divalicious girls Kiki & Jamjam

So what is an emotional rape?

You are used, called when one is bored, re-used then redumped. You wipe tears, listen to heartbreaking stories of painful love issues (among others), support in times of sufferings & yet you are ignored or dumped in times of glory. How does it feel to be used & reused. Feeling like a tissue or a disposable item or even a sugar cane stick sucked til there is no more sugar in it. So this is it. That painful, useless feeling that only someone you thought loved you as a friend or sister did to you. Sometimes they are even your friend or your sister, cynically.

We humans are just soo human & sometimes so inhumans in our humanity. Raped because our emotions are penetrated , showing their deepest & genuine side. We care, sympathize sincerely, feel the pain, carry a friend’s burden, open our home doors with love & care , with trust & we agree to share one’s part of pain . We look for acts of soothing faith, take time to listen & advise, comfort & analyze. Acting half as a confessional , half as a confidant & often helping one regaining self confidence. Somehow your presence seems like a way to absolve the sin of who has been guilty of loving the wrong person or trusting who was not trustworthy. By showing empathy, we tend to become the mirror in which one sees himself as a forgivable being worthy of love. Our listening ears & lack of judgement towards our friends’ situation gives him/her a license to be not-so-perfect, leaving him/her burden less & free of being imperfect. Isn’t that called restoring a self esteem? But it hurts to just face silence or absence when we only expected  a little care in return, even just a thankful attitude for the least.  Instead of an arrogant self sufficient behavior until next time. Or sometimes a phony fake “ forgive me if I have done anything to you” if we make the mistake to complain. None of us being Angels , why not just accept the fact we misbehaved & just say : forgive me for acting so selfish. So how many times have you raped a friend emotionally ? And when were you last the victim of an emotional rape?
“Be empowered because you are powerful”
©
Naboulove

The Devil Was Once An Angel

She came to me crying , shaking & shivering. « What’s wrong Diana? » I asked. I could hardly hear  her voice under the sobs , but the words « slapped “ & “me » she muttered ,made me boil instantly. It wasn’t the first time she was coming to me with complaints about Musa’s behavior. Last time he was upset because she went out with me for lunch, and he snapped because according to him, she was dressed like a prostitute . I am quite shocked by his current Amnesia, her sexy chic  style was what attracted him to Diana. Another time, he threw the plate in her face whilst they were having dinner, just because there was a slice of tomato « you know I hate tomato » was his excuse. The once charming, loving & so friendly Musa was obviously turning into a controlling, jealous & violent monster. Maybe was he just showing his real colors.

This time, the controlling behavior & verbal abuse escalated into a physical abuse. I was looking at my friend’s miserable & sad face even though she was covered with diamond jewelry, carrying the latest Chanel Bag & the keys of the latest Range Rover thrown on my table. He obviously spoiling her with all the things a woman could dream of  but the more he was showering her with gifts, the more the abuse as if she had turned into his private property. « Stay at my house «  for few days was all I could suggest to Diana. With a frightened glance, Sobbing she declined my offer “ thank you  but I can’t, It will be worse”. She was shaking  with fear… Seeing her like this was giving me goose pimples.

I knew that calling him or talking to him would create more problems for Diana. So I swallowed my pain & anger. I just faced  her & asked: “honestly is it the first time that bastard touches you”. Surprised & embarrassed by my question, her tears filled eyes gave me an even sadder look. At that exact moment, she reminded me of the sheep about to get slaughtered. I was expecting an answer, even a lie. But she stayed mute. Her silence was a crystal clear answer…I could hardly imagine that lovely elegant well mannered Musa with his velvet voice & good looks kill a fly so to picture him using Diana, my strong & fearless childhood friend, as a punching ball was a vision of horror. Painful vision. Her fairytale has turned into a living nightmare. And the Angel turned into a Devil…

As she was wiping the black tracks left by the dripping mascara on her face, she attempted a forced smile « he threatened  to kill me if I leave him« .

I replied upset but  trying not to express my anger by shouting  at her:” I know he will kill you if you stay”. She just got up hugged me as if it was the last time, took her Chanel bag & her car keys & walked with uncertainty towards the door. I knew deepdown inside me that she was sending herself back to hell. But what more could I do than offer her my home? Until she decides for herself knowing that his endless promises “Baby it is the last time, I love you so much, I will never touch you again.” Lies. Lies. Deadly lies.

To all the woman abused, verbally, physically , emotionally. Do the right thing before it is too late.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

 

30 WARNINGS YOU ARE A DESPERATE AFRICAN HOUSEWIFE:(2)

16 to 30

16-Your fantasies involve your houseboy , your driver or the gardener… Don’t fall into the Gaby sin. Actually most of your romantic escapes are daydreams. Sad. Tie him & rape him. Unless you have other ideas but do something before it’s too late.

17-You have become an expert pastry maker , a home seamstress & a daycare specialist..without getting paid for it. Time to think about either becoming a work at home mum or find a way of leveraging your new expertise.

18– You are sick with the paranoid bitch syndrome. Your single or married sisters & friends have become the “unusual” suspects who want to wreck your couple. Give us a break , you are not married to Brad Pitt or Idriss Elba. Chill. REGAIN CONFIDENCE in yourself.

19– You just realize that you are sleeping next to a perfect stranger: you have reached the point where you live 2 separate lives. Your husband crack jokes & has fun with everybody but you Time to create an intersection. Before the parallel becomes infinite.

20Shopping has become the most exciting pleasurable  activity of your superficial universe. Don’t stop spending as long as it’s not your money otherwise…

21– In order to escape reality or give a sense to your frustration, You bury yourself in spirituality. Every time you talk , it is a prayer , quoting the Bible or the Quran. The Devil/Shaytan’s influence  seem to be everywhere in your home (you need a scapegoat right?). Or  you become a Juju expert , always looking for the latest Malam , babalawo or fortune teller believing they will put an end to your problems (someone did a curse on you of course). Cut the crap; save your money. Pray God but also work on yourself.

22-You don’t know who is Lady Gaga; mamma mia everybody knows Lady Gaga. Get out of that house asap .

23-You criticize, complain just about anything & everything sounding like a BB bitter babe not Blackberry in this case. Stop comparing your life to others , the grass ain’t greener on the other side of the fence. If you are becoming envious of those around you who seem to be happier , girl you are on the road to insanity. Count your blessings instead of counting other people’s blessings.

24Where are your sexy underwear? Lingerie, lace, silk, you remember what it is? No you don’t. You wear them for yourself baby & nobody else.

25– Are you living in an illusion of perfection like Bree just to cover the fact that  your life is a  mess  you have created alone.  Time to face the reality & fix that mess since it’s yours.

26– Have you turned into a nosy gossip minding other people’s business to forget the pathetic world around you? Susan get out of that body! Even worse if you repeat all your friends’ secrets around. Sister , you need serious exorcism.

27-Sometimes you just hate your kids, your life, your husband & your normal life. Stop blaming the world  Gaby &  accept the fact that you have to work on things to make them better. And if you don’t like your life , just try to go , someone will quickly wear your shoes. Hmmm

28-Lately ,you yourself in tears whenever a romantic song plays or whenever you watch a love movie & read a romance Novel. I assume you also cry in bed when you don’t get that expected hug. Romeo & Juliet were born in Verona. Not you. Real relationships are not fairytales or fictions so whatever it is that is making you over sensitive , work it out before it becomes a nervous breakdown.

29-you have a very active social lifeon social medias without leveraging on your online presence for a business . All you do is sending indirect messages to your husband , or you blame the whole male nation. Babe talk to Hubby, before someone reports your statuses to him (we all know spies are all over our facebook, twitter, bbm lists).

30-Noooo GDP (Gross Domestic Product)  is not what you produce at home. Stop everything & google it…read newspaper once in a while, there is a whole world outside of your home.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”

©Naboulove™

30 WARNINGS YOU ARE A DESPERATE AFRICAN HOUSEWIFE:(1)

1 to 15

1-You haven’t been outside of home in a face to face with your man in the last 6 months (1 month is manageable, 3 months is worrying & 6 months is a catastrophe in the making) … You remember what a romantic dinner is? Or has it become science-fiction to you?

2-You share your living space with bitter , sour & wicked in laws who always have a say about the food you cook, the dress you wear, the way you raise your kids… You need to either start a new business by opening an in law concentration camp, move out or practice Buddhism. Before you commit a crime.

 3-You & Mr  hubby live in separate towns or countries but  when you get the chance to be in the same place at the same time, He is just too busy to be with you… His excuses: his friends, exercising, his mother, his brothers, the new house he is building for you…  and where do you stand amidst that busy life?

4-Like Lynette , you have traded a brilliant career for “housewifing” 24/7 , you feel more & more frustrated  as your MBA’s main use is for  domestic management. Time to make a move. Start a home based business or become a trader…But please do something before you have a nervous breakdown.

5-Your older sister looks 10 years younger than you…Maybe you should start thinking about Botox if you can’t take advantages of the gift of life & see the world through a positive lens. Something is definitely wrong if you don’t recognize the girl in the mirror. “Shake it up baby…Twist & shout, come on come on baby..come on & let it all out” whatever it is stress, frustration, too much food , just get rid of it.

6-You only know 2 positions in the Kama Sutra: the missionary & the missionary…woohoo you are in trouble, maybe time to bring in a pole dancer like Gaby…lool. Or leave a Kama Sutra Illustrated open on your husband’s bedside…

7-Your last romantic getaway was with the whole clan in the village, for a relative’s graduation, christening  or for Umrah…  do you know what a revival honeymoon is??  Follow him –without kids- on his next business trip. Do or Die attitude, never without you.

8– You know you have 10 kg to lose or to add. And you wear clothes that neither fit your body nor your age. Are you sure you are not too skinny or too fat for these tight jeans or that top??? Look at the woman in the mirror twice

9-He never goes with you to visit your family members whereas you have to bear his own on every occasions. Unfair isn’t it? Life is unfair, accept it or change it.

10– Your hair color & hairstyle have changed 10 times in the last 4 weeks & he didn’t notice anything. He is either blind, or you are truly desperate. Try a piercing on your tongue maybe he will feel it since he doesn’t seem to see.

11-He calls you knowing you are in a  professional meeting to ask where you kept his underwear ? WTF?

12-He keeps on criticizing everything you do or  you find everything he does annoying & irritating…. The only time you have a peaceful conversation is when you talk about kids or serious family matters. counseling time is up or African mediation call it how you want but you need help. It’s not a white people’s issue only.

13-You are a married single mother handling all home related issues alone . Do you need a husband really?

14-Your husband  gives you ridiculously low food allowances meanwhile  you are not allowed to do any side biz or work. Maybe he wants you to become a thief then…

15-You know all the tv shows by heart…from Desperate housewife to Sex & the City, Soap operas, Brothers & sisters, etc… Not talking of your Bollywood movie collection & your Nollywood Obsession. Girl get a life, you are sinking into fiction.

to be continued…

“Be empowered because you are powerful”

©Naboulove™

 

 

Naboulove Golden Rules of Friendship

Life indeed is a sum of interactions with various people , family, co-workers, friends, acquaintances, people we meet for a second or those we spend a lifetime with as well as those we have never met but have such an influence on our lives. Harmonious living ( I reckon, a total utopia) demands a lot of efforts & the people who lift us, carry us , without being necessarily family members are our friends. A cousin is family but doesn’t have to be your friend. The beauty of friendship lies in the free choice, the natural attraction & genuine togetherness. Some tell me I have too many friends, but is there anything as too many when it comes to giving & taking love, attention , on a free basis. I tried to scrutinize my various friendships throughout my life path & it taught me a lot about myself. These are the rules I either wished some people had used with me or even that I could have made use of myself with some people I might have disappointed somehow ( striving for perfection in a not-so-perfect world is one of the greatest phobia of human beings).

1-    Love : not the kind of family love but one that transcends blood & sex. That feeling you have for another who just brings out the best in you & also seems to be always there for you emotionally. Just because you crossed each other’s path. I am sorry some people are unworthy of it but I wonder why I keep insisting …

2-    Care : yes friends care about each other & show it: how are you? I missed you. How are you coping? Family assumes you care, but friends need to know you do in facts. Guys I love you all but I am an emotional mess sometimes…

3-    Appreciation, it’s not about being flattery or fake but whenever you think “ wall Done Zahra” voice it up so she can enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with appreciating your friend’s dress, beauty or achievements. Genuinely. It kills envy & it’s always rewarding to be friend with good people. To be used moderately between men & women sometimes –depending on the level of exposure of the Lady or man in front of you-… My friends are brilliant & beautiful –Masha Allah & I am proud to have them in my life.

4-    Gratitude: stay with you when you are heartbroken, listen to your broken record failed love story, lend you some money, keep your kids  when you are away, call your mother to check on her,… so many little gestures a friend does for us. And sometimes we just take it for granted or we procrastinate the gratitude moment & we appear ungrateful –I am guilty of that one-; Forgive me Pat I will never forget what you did for me…

5-    Communicate clearly & this implies talking & listening to your friends. Some people want you to listen their problems without even having an ounce of compassion about your own stories. There is also the friend who always listens to your deepest secrets without ever sharing the slightest secret with you. There must be a balance in communication. Like everything else it is not easy to achieve but some friends are worth the effort.

6-    The One to One principle: if you love groups of girls “Sex & the City” style or “Desperate Housewife” type, be careful, it is not always as glamourous in real life & the risks are gossip, backbiting, imbalance, etc. And it is not everybody that likes mixing up with half of the planet.. And rememberin case of group friendship, never talk about those who are not around if you know you won’t feel brave enough  face to face. So you either STFUP (shut the F… up) or you take a stand. Capisci?

7-    Straightforwardness is key . If you are lucky enough to be diplomatic use & abuse of it. If like me you just say it as it is, make sure you will be able to deal with it is your turn. But don’t compromise with the truth. If the dress is ugly, the hair color, even though trendy makes your friend look like a monster, or she has given up on her weight management issues. Tell your friend. If you care.

8-    The art of sharing or how to give & receive without expecting the same. My mistake was often to say : “ after all I have done for so & so…” wrong approach madam Nabou! You did it because it was your friend & you were happy to do it then. It was not a deposit at the bank you expect to retrieve some day. Karma is awesome & anything good you do sincerely comes back to you either way. Also if a friend decides to spoil you with a present , it is just because they care & love you & want to make you happy as simple as that: no hidden agenda. If it’s not the case review your list of friends asap. A big sister’s advice.

9-    Reciprocate : Ok it’s not because friendship is free that you are not obliged to reciprocate in a way or another. Don’t be nacissico-selfish & learn to reciprocate & it is not only about gifts & goods.

10- Law of silence is most definitely the hardest for us women to respect. We have big mouth we love exchanging gist.  But a friends’ secret is NOT a gist. In no way.  Also be  discreet about what you report to a friend about another friends’ discussion with you. JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. You don’t have to tell your mother, your sisters & brothers or your Man or Woman. It is between the 2 of you. Then keep it that way. Unless your friend is addicted to Cocaine or has been raped or is planning to commit a crime or suicide…Only in case of life threatening EMERGENCY.

11- Acceptance: since I discovered that nobody’s perfect , it has change my world. Everybody didn’t have your background, education or parents so if you decide to be friend with someone accept his or her flaws. I hate people who misspell French & I used to be horrified by them until I got the greatest advices from someone who knew little French but with great wisdom. I have all sorts of friends (my sisters & my mum can testify to that) just because I learnt to accept that if someone is a gossip I don’t have to share a secret with her. Or if someone is sensitive about some issues , I will be careful. Acceptance is about character management. If a friend doesn’t reply to your mail or a phone call , in fact it’s not because he/she doesn’t care…so give the benefit of the doubts to your people.

12- Tolerance IMPLIES a lot more than acceptance since you have to try to be non judgmental: your friend is getting married to a womanizer, or becoming the 3rd wife of a bad boy, or she made the wrong choices & comes to you for a supportive ear and all she gets is : “I told you”. Once again this is life, not Alice in Wonderland. We all have our fair share of mistakes & bad choices.

13- Reliability: “lean on me it won’t be long til am gonna need somebody to lean on” … I love that song because it says it all. So be a supportive, & reliable friend try as much as you can to do what you say. Be there through thick & thin.

14- Forgive me please. I lied . You lied. I forgot your birthday. I told your secret (innocently done only forgivable though), I criticized your husband or wife, etc. etc. FORGIVENESS of friends’ minor sins will only make your bond stronger.

15- Respect each other’s limits. Even twins have their own lives (as a mother of twins I know what I am talking about ) . So don’t push too far, respect each other’s privacy, little secrets, silences & absence…
And I believe these simple rules (fruit of my own experience) should help us in our overall interactions with others.  Please forgive me I didn’t expect it to be so long.

“Be Empowered Because you are powerful”

2012 ©Naboulove