From a man …

Married or not this is a must read this…

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up…..

Unknown author

I got it in a chain mail & I found it so moving that I just thought about sharing it to my readers.

“Be empowered because you are powerful “

©Naboulove

Why I don’t fashion blog?

I love love Fashion , clothes & any other related issue, but I believe (even though I don’t apply it thoroughly) in the law of focus . Having had an extensive Panafricaninternational kind of life with a big part of my life spent in Paris ( mostly my chldhood, then teenage years + university) . So whoever grows up in that City has the shopping&fashion virus running through his/her veins. Fact. So I could name eyes closed most of the shop on either side of Paris (Rive Gauch or Rive droite), more specifically in the golden triangle (Champs Elysées, Faubourg Saint Honoré, Montaigne etc.) as well as the artistic area of « Le Marais » where you can find new creative designers… This is just to self praise myself as a fashion conoisseur somehow but certainly not -so much- of a brand addict. Even though I believe in walking through Montaigne or Faubourg Saint Honoré , & enter exclusive shops of Dior or Nina Ricci to either enjoy their collections or just shop that piece I have saved money for. And please it is not because someone carries a designer bag that the person is rich, the person just appreciate qualities & craftmanship of a a brand.

But the thing is , it took me 3 YEARS to post a pic of me on the blog, I just can’t imagine myself taking pictures of myself , my shoes or my bags. On the other hand I must say that I have discovered two fabulous fashion sites that I got addicted to http://stylepantry.com  where Folake displays a unique sense of style, effortless glamour ,&  affordable fashion. I will also mention http://becauseiamfabulous.com of Sai Sankoh a  very stylish  sophisticated fashionista who is truly fabulous. So since I know I can’t do better than these sisters, I peep regurly into their sites & really enjoy it. They deal about fashion at large, share trends & even ways to enhance a basic piece. And please if you know of any other site that I could relate to in terms of fashion, please share with me.  I was forgetting to mention great site for whoever tries to dress modestly – in the muslim sense- without giving up style I LOVE http://hijabtrendz.com .

Merci beaucoup.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

 

The Devil Was Once An Angel

She came to me crying , shaking & shivering. « What’s wrong Diana? » I asked. I could hardly hear  her voice under the sobs , but the words « slapped “ & “me » she muttered ,made me boil instantly. It wasn’t the first time she was coming to me with complaints about Musa’s behavior. Last time he was upset because she went out with me for lunch, and he snapped because according to him, she was dressed like a prostitute . I am quite shocked by his current Amnesia, her sexy chic  style was what attracted him to Diana. Another time, he threw the plate in her face whilst they were having dinner, just because there was a slice of tomato « you know I hate tomato » was his excuse. The once charming, loving & so friendly Musa was obviously turning into a controlling, jealous & violent monster. Maybe was he just showing his real colors.

This time, the controlling behavior & verbal abuse escalated into a physical abuse. I was looking at my friend’s miserable & sad face even though she was covered with diamond jewelry, carrying the latest Chanel Bag & the keys of the latest Range Rover thrown on my table. He obviously spoiling her with all the things a woman could dream of  but the more he was showering her with gifts, the more the abuse as if she had turned into his private property. « Stay at my house «  for few days was all I could suggest to Diana. With a frightened glance, Sobbing she declined my offer “ thank you  but I can’t, It will be worse”. She was shaking  with fear… Seeing her like this was giving me goose pimples.

I knew that calling him or talking to him would create more problems for Diana. So I swallowed my pain & anger. I just faced  her & asked: “honestly is it the first time that bastard touches you”. Surprised & embarrassed by my question, her tears filled eyes gave me an even sadder look. At that exact moment, she reminded me of the sheep about to get slaughtered. I was expecting an answer, even a lie. But she stayed mute. Her silence was a crystal clear answer…I could hardly imagine that lovely elegant well mannered Musa with his velvet voice & good looks kill a fly so to picture him using Diana, my strong & fearless childhood friend, as a punching ball was a vision of horror. Painful vision. Her fairytale has turned into a living nightmare. And the Angel turned into a Devil…

As she was wiping the black tracks left by the dripping mascara on her face, she attempted a forced smile « he threatened  to kill me if I leave him« .

I replied upset but  trying not to express my anger by shouting  at her:” I know he will kill you if you stay”. She just got up hugged me as if it was the last time, took her Chanel bag & her car keys & walked with uncertainty towards the door. I knew deepdown inside me that she was sending herself back to hell. But what more could I do than offer her my home? Until she decides for herself knowing that his endless promises “Baby it is the last time, I love you so much, I will never touch you again.” Lies. Lies. Deadly lies.

To all the woman abused, verbally, physically , emotionally. Do the right thing before it is too late.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

 

Single African woman survival kit (4)

4-YOU WILLSURVIVE!
My little list of survival tools you might want to use to flow comfortably through the waves of our oppressive societies.

DON’T:

  • Try not to counter argue criticisms, mockery or sarcasms. Some people just need to find faults in others to feel good & feed their insecurity. Their words will only have the power you give them.
  • Do your best not to fall into the pressure trap, panic, anxiety & pressure can lead to making the wrong choices. Whatever your spiritual orientation is just keep faith. His plans are bigger than your doubts. And he is the Creator, All-known & Almighty. Once you surrender your fears & turn them gradually into faith, you will feel so good.
  • Feel sadness or regrets when you contemplate Fatima & Ronke’s life: wives, CEO, Mothers…some seem to have it all. Yes they SEEM only. And thank God for his blessings upon you. If you weren’t blessed with life, health, eyes etc. you wouldn’t be reading this… And they are your friends & you love them. It’s better to have a bunch of happy fulfilled friends anyway.
  • Have sex for sex if you can’t manage your emotions…you can buy a dildo if it’s just for the thrill or fast whenever you have that urge… spiritual, health benefits of fasting is proven…If someone just proposes casual sex just advise him to go to hookers, they will be cheaper for him. 🙂
  • Rush into the next guy who proposes “Do you want to marry me?” Reply: Do I look like I believe in Fairytales? Unless you have known him & share a romantic past together.
  • Fall in the arms of the guy who sings a love song to you (Hello is it me you’re looking for? I can see it it your smile , I can see it in your eyes– If he can’t do the Lionel Richie Voice don’t even bother-LOL…)… , take your time before you tag him Mr right. A man ready to commit might not be right for you. Open your eyes, ears & get to know him (at least find out about his mother before you take the ring…in law management can be more challenging than the rest in Africa)
  • Reject Aziz the nice guy just because he is too nice (female paradoxal masochism) .. Give him a chance (I didn’t say in bed though). Get to know him before you play your Diva. By the way how long have you been single for?
  • Lower your standards to accept a cheater , liar & thief in your life just because you want a mate …

DO’s:

  • Nurture your yin & your yang , by enjoying the company of your male friends &/or family (brothers, cousins, childhood friends..)  in order to refresh your views & enlighten your  perspectives on the Male nation.
  • Enlarge your social circle, quit tribalism please or nationalism, racism (all those African plagues)… The world is like 3 billion male human beings, there must be one for you somehow. Even if you target 0,01% you still have a very large choice.
  • Invest your time in working to ensure your financial stability as well as working out to improve your health
  • Create an awesome relationship with yourself: eat better, exercise, learn that foreign language,
  • Get in touch with your roots: visit  your village you have never been to, learn about your family history, your customs… Knowing where you come from will help you understand yourself better.
  •  Improving your spiritual life & learn how to reach that inner feeling of self fulfillment. (nothing to do with ego )
  • Understand that your life, your destiny  is unique not a photocopy . It is yours to live don’t allow anyone to come & give you lessons or force you into things you are not ready for. Let your purpose manifest itself & believe me it can be greater than just having a man in your bed. And the right guy might just help you manifest it …Insha Allah.
  • If like my friend Ronke you have the dress & the invitation cards ready then you might want to update (fashion & trends move fast lately.LOL)
  • Anything that makes you feel good , really good for you & not for just the sake of looking socially correct. I wonder who sets the standards…
  • Review your standards if they seem really unrealistic (The guy with Bill Gates Money, Denzel Washington looks, Einstein’s brain , etc.etc. is not born yet).

 

And now let’s sing together:

« Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
And I’ve got all my love to give
I’ll survive
I will survive
Hey hey… »

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

The END.

Single African woman survival kit (3)

3EMBRACE YOUR STRENGHTS & WEAKNESSES

Let’s go through your strengths so you can capitalize on them & your weaknesses in order to turn them into opportunities .  

YOUR STRENGHTS

  • A big bed just for yourself , you can turn & toss at will. Hehehe…
  • Silence. And if you need noise just talk to yourself. Many unanswered questions about yourself will be sorted.
  • Plenty Space in your wardrobe & bathroom . What more can a woman ask for?
  • No permission to ask when you go out . Freedom. Freedom.
  • Dildos & sex toys are more & more sophisticated. You might meet G spot before meeting Mr Big.
  • You can have plenty toasters at once & flirt for fun,  poly-flirting girl yeah. But at some point make a choice since you have opportunities knocking at your door.
  • You can relax on your couch in front of your tv when you come back from work without being misjudged for a lazy cow. Don’t you just love your life?
  • You can eat when you want & where you want with who you want (even though in our African societies you might worry about image management, so why not call catering & organize dinners at home)
  • You can have an empty fridge (yeah even in Africa). Abeg don’t let your friends see it they might think you are broke OH.
  • You can plan exotic trips with your girlz hourrah ! just that your mum will call you 20 times a day to ask whether you met someone interesting . I mean mine would… lol . No offense Mum.
  • You chose to have standards. Congratulations! you have faith , confidence & self esteem. The world is your oyster.

YOUR WEAKNESSES

  • It’s not that fun to be alone to go to weddings or parties , keep your head up & walk with confidence, everybody is looking at you … ooh you know already.
  • You have to hire a professional to get a relaxing massage or go to spa. Hard job indeed. That is a strong weakness.
  • Every time you come back from somewhere you have to answer to : “any interesting guyz?”  Even if you come back from the Zoo.
  • You miss the man factor in your life …you know the hugs, the arguments, the heat, the making up, the companionship planning a trip together :since you haven’t planned (yet ) to be a nun or some sort of Saint , be patient, prayerful & persistent ( I didn’t tell you to stalk your ex though).
  • You are tired of dealing with the car issues, electricity problems or plumbing repairs. Hell yeah am old school this isn’t a woman’s duty to manage these.
  • Your might be boring everybody with your exes stories… You sound like a broken record: that awkward moment when at a girls’ night out everybody wants to tell a story. Better option :just describe your dream man.
  • You are afraid or you just hate being alone … Were you born with someone? Hiss. Even twins don’t stick to each others. It’s not a space filling contest
  • You miss sex. Good News: nobody dies from not having sex .
  • Are you turning into a choosy babe? No? * sigh of relief

“Does anybody really think that they didn’t get what they had because they didn’t have the talent or the strength or the endurance or the commitment?” Mandela

“Be empowered because you are powerful”©

©Naboulove™

To be continued…