In fact … I am sexblind & I didn’t know it can be harmful…

      

I recall my mother’s warnings when I was 19  “ stop calling every man your brother” or you will never have one… I was like “ WTH”? I was quite a different kind of person , I was raised in the idea that I should arrive a virgin at my wedding & all sorts of ideas that seemed quite strange for a young lady who went to a very elitist French boarding school. My mum never forgot to remind me that those values she was tirelessly repeating inside my rebel brain were what kept my people alive & made the strength of Fulani culture. So here I was traveling all over the world , in US, UK etc.  staying in 5 stars hotels with my mum , shopping on avenue Montaigne , Faubourg Saint Honoré & the then Champs Elysées ( for those who remember when Paris was Paris). My school mates at l’Ermitage were children of Cartier CEO of those days (Alain Dominique Perrin), the late Guillaume Depardieu, French Tycoons, etc. I was not in need of anything, enjoying the cool life of a spoilt Teenager in those days. Not really knowing where it came from I already had plenty brothers (white) in school (lol) , am sure they know themselves. So I was literally color blind, never really judged someone from his origins or else, we were friends & it was enough for me. But there was a world between color blindness & sexblindness. So I thought they just liked me coz I was cool ( the guyz) & it took me few years to figure out that in fact “they liked me as a woman” . Oh my God … Since all my friends  kept telling me their sexescapades , after 20 I was in University & still a virgin ( wonder why since the whole world was my family)… Anyway years passed by & I realized that In fact my sex blindness could have been misinterpreted by many males with an excessive flirtatious (I was just being friendly) behavior. In fact I have developed the very bad habit  of addressing my issues to men (I unilaterally considered as my friend’s & brother without their consent) in theexact same  way I would to a woman friend of mine. And it just started flashing a red light in my mind now that I passed 40. I started thinking back remembering male friends who have hoped certainly ( motivated by my friendly ways) & who ended up discouraged. And the person who draws the attention to me is a very good “brotherfriend” of mine I went  to visit recently in Lagos who asked me if I had changed? And I asked him : how? Do you still pretend you don’t know a man is chasing you? Oh Boy … SHAME ON ME. so that was it the Naked truth. And shamelessly going a retrospective on my life I came up to the following conclusions (slightly influenced by pseudo-freudian wild imaginings :

1-My father being dead when I was a child I was looking for a safe protector in each man (maybe…)

2-I was afraid from being unlawfully disvirgined … issue solved now

3-Just protecting myself unconsciously from men’s ..

4-Fear of falling in love, fear of separation & its ultimate consequence: pain

5- None of the above: genuinely thinking of the boys like I think of my girls genuine, simple friendship

6-Denying my feminity; playing tomboy whilst exulting feminity ( paradox personae #naboulovism)

7- Just being a self sufficient bitch

8- Pretending in order to protect myself without hurting the other

9-Honestly I am just being my weird self

10-Maybe I thought that my brain & intellect would suppress any man’s desire for Me, now you know why you are single girl…

Waouw Naboulove auto Analysis part 1…

“Be empowered because you are powerful”

©Naboulove

9 réflexions sur “ In fact … I am sexblind & I didn’t know it can be harmful… ”

  1. Interesting read, it resonates with me so much and I am still in my 20s. Time to change I guess and wow you are BEAUTIFUL.

  2. Very interesting…though some of your points made me giggle a lot ….but still…I’m giving it an « I » rating 🙂

    Looking forward to the next piece!!

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