Some of us think they are in a relationship ( meaning a sharing & loving, caring partnership with a significant other) whereas in fact what we are truly sharing is a relation-Shit. Yes indeed .Hey, am not telling you to get out of it or trying to patronize you about your life but I just want to refresh your memory – and mine- about the signs that we often generate “valid” excuses for. But at least if one or many of them remind you of something you are currently going through now , you will have NO CHOICE but to acknowledge the reality of the situation & deal with it emotionally.
1–You never went to his house & he only comes to your house late at night & never spent the night with you unless in another town or country. Few hours of pleasure in a bed is all you share.
2-You don’t know any of his friends or family members & if you happen to bump into one , he never introduces you as you would expect to be introduced to (This is Halima? My mistress..). Nor does he even want to meet any of your close people either. Puzzling? No . Where is your clarity ? You are more like a spare tyre to him. Or reciprocally you don’t feel comfortable about introducing him to your circle of friends & family. In this case you are the user. this shows an obvious & serious discomfort. Action plan??
3-He never takes you out in public places unless you are a diluted in a group. Do you look like Frankenstein sister or what? Maybe is hiding you …
4– You are not single (either in a relationship or married) or he is not single. Happily married to someone else? Even those who are unhappily married hardly make the move in our African societies. Maybe that is just a fling or you are in lust with each other. Manageable if it is on both sides. It can be very hurtful if there is an imbalance: one in love & the other one in lust. Run before it’s too late either way.
5-He is extremely generous but never discuss the real issues with you regarding a possible future, that is what I call showering you with guilt-freeing gifts. If you are in a materialistic scheme then fine… But you won’t get more than that unless a miracle happens. Remember don’t miss the start.
6-He is single but his overall sentimental situation is an unsolvable equation with x’s & y ‘s .This man will never change ooh & he is even worse than a married man because he is allergic to commitment. Keep your expectations low, he is hopeless professional player … Can you play according to his rules? Maybe yes, if your heart is made of steel.
7– You have been together for a long time but nothing seems to move in your story- the painful Status Quo. He doesn’t make any plans with you & any attempt you make to have a perspective view of the relationship ends up in an unfair argument. Please spare us the “ he wasted my time of these years”…It is Crystal clear.
8– He never makes time to call you or to be with – you are doing all the job: calling, creating meet ups, visiting him, etc… Since when do women do the chase in Africa?
9-Both of you are pressuring the other regarding the “change factor” .If you can’t accept ,love each other the way you are then you are in for an ugly ending. Work it out before it is too late.
10– When the whole situation just doesn’t feel right ( you are either sad, unhappy, depressed, guilty, worried) & you just hate yourself for not stepping into the plate then do what you’ve got to do if you afford it.
11-Lack of trust: him or you are controlling, checking on each other schedule , asking for full reports constantly & living in the constant fear of being cheated on. Insecurity issues have to be solved whoever you will be with so if you are the sickly jealous cure yourself or you are promised to a life of misery.
12-Unequal balance of power: One of you always decides about everything. Didn’t we say that there is more joy in balance?
13-You share different values therefore don’t have the same focuses in life, even though you have made the step to share a life together… If driving a Porsche is more important to him than owning a house, or if you have total opposite values then…
14-Pain exceeds Joy in the overall relationship…If you were happier on your own then get out of it ASAP.
15– If one of you uses abusive language or has an abusive behavior, putting the down in front of people through emotional, physical or verbal abuse, due to an unidentified complex. Then suffer a heartbreak, before we come to your funeral.
So whatever you choose to do -stay or go – make sure you ain’t daydreaming of a « happily ever after » type of ending coz it ain’t gonna happen. If that relation-shit serves a purpose in your life at that given time ( rebound , friends with benefits,sex partners…) then keep your eyes open & don’t put your expectations too high…and please don’t fall in love! If you can…
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