“Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. YOU are the one who gets burned.” Buddha
Life is about managing pain and anger on a daily base. Whether at home with family or friends, or at work with colleagues, daily, we can find reasons to hold grudges on someone. But are you must be aware that holding back the forgiveness process is like building an emotional wall and prison around your feelings?
Whatever reason has caused the pain (betrayal, break up, rejection, etc) the waltz of question and the stages of feelings involved are similar:
1-Pain: we feel hurt
2-Guilt if x,y. Or z did this or that am responsible.
3-Incredulity Maybe he/she didn’t mean to hurt me
4-Disappointment how could he/she do that to me
4-Hate I hate him/her ,or am never going to talk to him/her
5-Analysis: rethinking the whole situation from a to z trying to understand the “how, why, etc.”
6-Confusion: How do I move on? From where do I start?
7-if you don’t gather your strengths & wake up the truth is you might sink…
Depending on each person these stages can be simultaneous or not, can be long or not . But saying and thinking « I will never trust anyone again » is the greatest lie you can tell yourself. Life is about take risks and facing the outcome! Like everybody, I have been through these and it took me time to realize that whoever hurtled me doesn’t deserve my hate. Because they had greater scars in them that pushed them to hurt me.I also looked at the woman in the mirror realizing how human and imperfect I could be .we need to work on the pain and humiliation we feel as women when the man we love leaves us for another partner or when we realize we have been cheated on by him. Most of the time we have been warned by our intuition and we still allowed ourselves to be in situation where we could only end up being hurt. I knew he was a player, but I thought I would change him. He cheated on me but he swore he would never do it again, He told me he had another girlfriend but I was sure he would leave her for me. I fell in these traps living in a world of Illusion more than once. I hated the men for that but getting wiser, I realized that only my misconceptions of these relationships were to be blame. I have put myself in such positions so I had to learn to let go in order to heal totally. Healing totally means being able to talk about each of these stories without resentment or regret. You must think: that person came into my life as part of my path of learning or growing as a woman. I thank all these people for the good time spent and the lesson taught. Most of the time we won’t admit it but if you keep on trusting a friend who betrayed you or maintain a relationship with a player, etc. Putting yourself in such situation can only result in painful situation for you.
We always think that our love for someone will change him/her and it appears to be a misconception. A compulsive liar will continue lying to you unless he decides to stop. A compulsive gossip will end up gossiping on you after gossiping with you. And so on. If they have hurt you once, analyze the facts, step back if you have the possibility but if you have no choice, that person being a member of your family, make sure you avoid putting yourself at risk. All this doesn’t tell you how to let go of the pain? When you have resentment don’t chase it away, let it burn inside you, feel it, write a letter to the person who have caused your distress, making sure you pour all your grieves . Imagine all the nasty things you would tell him or her -virtually- and let them flow on the paper. Don’t let that state of aggressivity last for too long, for it destroys your inner peace. Once you have expelled all the negativity in you burn or tear that letter. Remember it is not meant to be given to the person. It is time to remember that plotting revenge, keeping all this pain inside is giving a lot of power to the one who caused it initially. Bitterness is the result of an unforgiving heart. Anger is the price holding grudge against someone. Not forgiving is self hate because you are letting a poison circulating in your mind, soul and spirit. This poison is preventing you from growing spiritually and mobilizes positive energy to realize your projects. Some people are fueled by a revengeful motivation, it is time to take charge of your life and ask God to bless him/her and send him positive vibes. My mum taught me a very powerful prayer that has proven its efficiency throughout the years « the spirit of God in me salute the Spirit of God in X, between us reigns only peace, harmony and divine understanding ». Repeat it, meditate on it, fill your heart with love as if it is filled with hate, it is only yourself your hurting. The world is a beautiful place and one single person cannot keep your heart in hostage with endless pain, disappointment, hate. No one is worth it. Forgive yourself for having been too naive at first and smile at yourself in the mirror, no matter what, you are alive and once you have been able to work on your forgiving abilities, you will build a better life for yourself. So do an assessment of your grievances, release them and let them go one by one. Free yourself from that past and Start a new and fresh inside.
Forgive & Free yourself