Les commandements de la bonne épouse Africaine par NabouLove

En m’inspirant de l’article de Meena  Kaoje en Anglais je vous ai concocté une version francophone des commandements de la bonne femme africaine..

Voilà les règles!!!

 1. Un long français avec beaucoup d’explications tu ne parleras pas (On se comprends ?)

2.Poitrines, Hanches et fesses, tu ne manqueras.Seul  un de ces attributs peut  te faire défaut et il te faut  trouver le moyen d’y pallier. (Les hommes africains aiment avoir les mains remplies!)

3. Directe, terre à terre et  ouverte tu ne seras pas. Toutes ces filles qui décrivent les choses crûment et sans complexe font fuir (heu admis seulement en privé !!)

4. Ton mari sur facebook tu ne surveilleras pas et son cellulaire tu ne fouilleras pas…La majorité d’entre eux mentent sur leur statut relationnel  et sur leur style de vie.Imposteurs !!!

5.En boite , tu n’iras pas chercher ton mari. TU RISQUES DE DEVENIR DINGUE!!

6. Liqueurs et bières tu ne boiras point.(seule tout est permis; et vin et champagne à volonté)

7. Problèmes de parents tu dissimuleras (victimes de divorces , familles dysfonctionnelles, mère castratrice … gardez les pour vous).

8. De talents culinaires tu seras dotée. Tu maitriseras avec perfection l’art du Yassa, Mafé ,Sosso Bandé, Saka-Saka, Sauce Graine, Ndolé  ou trois pièces (Pâte d’arachide, Nkoumou et huile de Palme selon que tu sois mariée à un Sénégalais, un Guinéen, un  Congolais, un Ivoirien , un Camerounais ou un Gabonais. Toutes les variantes de riz sont un must  (tieb rouge, blanc au poisson à la viande…)). L’économie domestique doit être en ordre.

9. Tu ne seras pas un frimeuse genre “ Sushi ou lasagnes”…Heu .Vraiment?

10. Tu ne secoueras pas la tête quand tu as un tissage et encore moins tu ne devras pas être prise en flagrant délit de grattage avec un pic… Tout simplement dégoutant.

11.  LE SARCASME N’EST PAS DE MISE.

12. AVOIR UN DOCTORAT EST UNE ABOMINATION (Cachez-moi ce diplôme que je ne saurais voir!!!!). Et si vous devez étudiez pour votre Master, svp n’en parlez pas devant ses amis..( surtout pas).

13. Tes sexploits d’avant votre rencontre tu ne raconteras pas. Dis toujours que tu ne connais pas tes classiques (Il se doit de refaire  ton éducation sexuelle pour satisfaire son ego)!

14. Une femme INDEPENDENTE tu ne seras pas (les phrases genre  « je peux payer mes propres factures et autres »  sont à bannir).

15.  Tu n’auras ni opinion, ni information sur tous les sujets  (ATTENTION: Cela peut intimider en plus personne n’aime les « madame je sais tout »).

16. Tu ne seras pas ouvertement sympa avec tout le monde. Femmes Joviales et à l’aise en société …ATTENTION !!!
17. ANTI SOCIALE tu ne seras pas quand il s’agit de sa famille. Tu dois y être totalement intégrée.

 
18. En bande de copines tu ne te baladeras pas ( Attention celles qui ne peuvent pas se déplacer sans leurs  potesses).

19.A voix haute tu ne parleras pas. Gardes ta voix toujours sur  tempo  minimum.

20.Sur la piste de danse tu feras mine de ne pas t’amuser. Quand il s’agit de danser réduit les phases au minimums (le serpent, le boiteux, glissade avant arrière et autre Michael Jacksoneries OUBLIES !! De même les Mutuashi, ventilateur , Mapouka et Autres danses sexy … ON GARDE POUR LES SORTIES SANS MONSIEUR ou au lit .)

21. Ce dernier commandement tu ne briseras sous aucun pretexte . MESDAMES MESDAMES, S’IL VOUS PLAIT N’ENTREZ PAS DANS LA CHAMBRE AVEC UN PAGNE, UN T-SHIRT, DU SHIRLEY SUR LE VISAGE OU TOP GEL . Si vous êtes obligées de faire toutes ces choses alors je vous en prie BRULEZ CES FILETS NOIRS ET OR QUE VOUS METTEZ SUR LA TETE !!.

Les filles nous sommes toutes coupables de possession d’un ou 2 de ces filets pour cheveux; Et tous les commandements ci dessus recommandent d’être parfaite en toute circonstance !!!!

 

ALORS A BON ENTENDEUSE SALUT !!!!

 

©NabouLove Mai 2009

Not into you? by Pamela Stitch

NotintoyouHe is into you or not? few hints to read through the lines by our expert Pam Stitch.

It all started on the play ground, as a nine years old girl learnt a valuable lesson that will remain with her for the rest of her life. This life lesson was brought about by Billy – the 10 years old cool kid on the block pushing her off the swing. As she cried her tears of pain – her older sister running up to her gave her these home truths, “the reason Billy pushed you off the swing and hurt you is because he really likes you”. This lesson will remain with this young girl for the rest of her life as she wades through her story of love realizing that often times hurt and pain often comes with that thing called love.

I remember a couple of years ago – a book came out chronicling this tale of love and hurt and this book became an instant success as the mantra for all single dating women became, “maybe he is not that into you”. But, despite the success of this book and of course the movie that came out a couple of months ago – many are still falling into the same trap and realizing a little bit too late that there often is no correlation between love and sex. This write up applies to both men and women. These are the points to keep in mind that he/she is not that into you.

1) Emotional signs: He finds it difficult to call you his girlfriend or his significant other. He has been with you for more than 6 months and yet still hasn’t said,” I love you”. He loves that word, “friend” and in his mind that often means – “fuck buddy”.

2) He shows you disrespect – I have always believed that the way a person treats another one defines what one thinks about that person. A person who is condescending, never has anything positive to say about anything you do is definitely not a person you should have around you because what that person does is bites away at your esteem until you find yourself asking for their opinion on anything that concerns you. Any person that puts down your values, ideals , your ideas is definitely not into you. I will go as far as saying that you are setting yourself up for an emotionally abusive relationship that can potentially be physically abusive if care is not taken.

3) Mr. Chaser: Now, this is a special breed that most women have met at one time or the other in their dating lives. This guy is just thrilled with the chase. He loves looking like a God. What he does is that he chases, romances, buys, spoils and makes it seem as though he is in love with you and only you and when he gets what he wants – he moves on to the next person. The only way to avoid getting hurt by this special breed is to have a ‘breathe button’ where you constantly assess everything he does and you try to ensure that you do not get caught up in the ’superficial’ or ‘things’. Find out what he is about? Who is he really? Don’t fall for the lines. “You are the only one for me” often is a line that he sprouts to several people at the same time, you and the person he meets online at 10 pm at night.

4) Friends with Benefit: I am not going to say anything more about this. Please, read previous posts to see what I have said about this. I will recommend that you do the friends with benefit thing only if you can handle it. Don’t start and start thinking about a relationship unless HE brings it up.

5) Dwindling communication: Remember how you two met? You could hardly get enough of each other. Every moment you were either texting, calling, or using other communication tools to keep in touch and then all of a sudden he is too busy to call, text or use those tools. Or most importantly when you two talk, you don’t talk about anything really important. You don’t know about his family, work, friends etc. Trust me on this – someone else is getting that information and enjoying the privilege of these communication. As I often say, if you suddenly drop off the radar – someone else IS on that radar.

I chose these five points because I have seen so many African men and women fall into these traps.
Have your say.