Ladies & Gentlemen can I have your attention please? By Toks Clement Gasper

Toks

At the end of this read check out the foot note!

1. Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others. Nice things can sometimes be the coldest beauties after they lose their warmth and they do,invest in personal values not materialism.

2. Know your partner’s beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don’t want to fall in love with someone who does not understand your values or beliefs.

3. Don’t confuse great sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love. Although I crave both ,why can’t I have good sex and good love??Is that an Anita Baker song? Explore your partners body,it’s like a map and maps change! You can’t look for sea shells in Times square(listen up)! Stay open to spontaneity,surprise your partner.Do you know it’s never too late to ask your partner what excites him or her ??Just in case you forgotten and we men do have poor memories(sometimes).A personal favourite is ladies invest in FAB lingerie!!

4. Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader and neither am I.

5. Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship. Trust your partner and do not assume every time he comes home late, he has been up to no …..,or men do unto others as you …..(you all know the rhyme)

6. View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences. But be careful of outsiders you allow into your team.

7. Know how to manage differences; it’s the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don’t sink relationships. Name-calling/blaming does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are an unavoidable by-product of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.

8. If you don’t understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don’t assume.

9. Solve problems as they arise. Don’t let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.

10. Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people’s needs are fluid and change over time, and life’s demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.

11.Listen, truly listen, to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy which is crucial. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.Women note men do not read minds just say it and Men neither do women!lol

12.Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn’t happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn’t an end goal; it’s a lifelong process maintained through regular attention. Men learn to cook (not beans on toast)women love a good cook.

13. Take a long-range view. A marriage or relationship is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you’re both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly

14.Never underestimate the power of good grooming,take the nasty weave off after …… months or cut the Afro! Men lose the stubble it can be particularly hard on soft thighs or in triangles,works though in squares.lol

15.Sex is good. Pillow talk is better, making love is easy, intimacy is and can be incredibly difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadness as well as hopes and dreams. Good sex is about creativity and throwing away the manual Mum or Dad or Aunty hinted at and don’t tell anyone I told you read up on sex, try the KAMA SUTRA I DID,GREAT READ! BELIEVE ME ,do one thing dIfferent today,sit on top,try it in the kitchen. Just leave out the bed tonight please

16.Never go to sleep angry with a loved one. Try a little tenderness,besides whenever I sleep angry I stay awake and have a headache the next day!Duh

17.Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of our happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—who cares but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy relationship.

18.Some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all one’s needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. We’re all dependent to a degree—on friends, mentors, spouses. This is true of men as well as women.

19.Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It’s easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work—paid or volunteer—has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self. Look in the mirror and say after me I am Special!!Did it work??

20. Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests/ The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life,I learnt the hard way!
LISTEN TO MUSIC TOGETHER ESPECIALLY the oldies, they talked about love,REAL LOVE not the way Eminem does! Ssshhh,get a Luther Vandross best of or Anita Baker I dig her stuff!

21. Cooperate, learn to cooperate,be cop operative . Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with some give and some take.

22. Get fit,maintain your energy,be healthy,eat healthy food,look after yourself and your bodies,join a gym,power walk or just cycle and stop smoking!

23 Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.

24 Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don’t just run away from a bad relationship; you’ll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.

25 .Being in love is not like a waterfall it does not just flow and flow and cascade! Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you’re in or out of. It’s a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before. Works.

If this does not make sense to you that’s kool I am not a LIBRARY!!.Sorry but if you think this is all you need to …..,bugger off and have a COFFEE &A DONUT(JAM)!!!!LOL

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