« You are somebody else’s guy… »YY
Remember the hit of the 80’s by Jocelyn Brown:
“You are the one who makes me feel soo real…but …you are somebody else’s guy…what am I supposed to do?
The one and only advice we usually hear or read is: “move on sister!”; “Give the man a break!” ; “ he doesn’t deserve you” etc. easier said than done.right? How many women followed that advice? How many? No official figures? Ok.
You “ don’t want to let go “ at that time, “you are not ready yet” .Hun; you just want to know how to live at peace with yourself when in such a relationship.
What are you looking for?
The fear of loneliness coupled with a modern life where women tend to be more independent and liberated contributed to a new deal… Modern African women with a European or American cultural and educational background would not accept being involved with somebody else’s guy, but on the other hand, after 30 years old they tend to compromise into such a relationship that could be tagged as complicated. What is their ultimate motive? money? Security through the claim of being somebody’s woman? Sex? Or is it just companionship & friendship? The woman chasing for her way out of dependence often sacrifices her personal life towards her professional accomplishments. A professional Gold-digger is in constant search for Mr. Richer, forgetting that Rich doesn’t automatically match with generous. She might be always going for the seemingly better, richer guy & surprisingly often ends up with the “Bling bling apparently rich 419 brother”. Some sisters will just go for the nice not so free handsome man who if she is lucky just has one wife but who most of the time has an official wife, some unofficial ones , mistresses and toygirlz, all of them cohabitating against each others will. And Super Sister falls in the trap thinking & hoping that she will change the Man and turn the situation to her advantage. Wrong assessment. But let’s continue: above all, there is Mr. Right, the guy of your dream whose negative sides r mostly bearable (now I assume the fact that you all know that Mr. Perfect is a Myth), he seems to understand you & you feel a strong bond , he takes you to seven heaven with the tip of his fingers. He also entertains you with great conversations & responds to your emotional & financial needs.
But he has a woman in his life, he is “somebody else’s guy”. Nobody’s perfect? Right! Are you ready for that emotionally straining relationship? You think you are , you think of yourself as a “strong woman”.Let’s see how strong is strong when love is involved? It reminds me of one my girl who kept repeating all the time “ I am not jealous, I knew the situation from day 1” & then one day comes back to me tearful , depressed & hurt whenever he is not available for her ”-can you imagine? , he told me he is going on holiday with his wife, it is so unfair!!! Really? is it? Who was playing Mars Cool & Strong, I master the game, my emotions are under control? And then you admit “-I didn’t know it would be sooo painful. Sob.sob. Yes you knew, you just got the wrong perception. But again this is in the case you knew from the beginning.
What if he never told you he was indeed married, engaged or living with somebody? And the day you find out, you fall off your pedestal, filled with anger, frustration, pain & disappointment. But know you know, & it is your choice to stay or go. If you have the guts to leave, you will suffer for some time and then overcome the pain. But you chose to stay, thinking if he is with you, it’s because something was missing in the comfort zone. Misconception sister! You got it wrong once more; But you are already in and you are lonely and you’d rather be in a bad relationship than alone. So what to do to live harmoniously with yourself & others in such a relationship?
There are rules to find your balance here, if you decided to stay (nobody is forcing you, because you have the choice all along, & the sooner you leave the better, it’s never too late to step back). You are in love (?), he makes you feel so good, and you cultivate hope. Ok so this is your survival guide in 10 essentials steps to respect for your mental wellbeing:
1-Never allow him to discuss or even complain about the woman who shares his life; he chose her to live with him, he spends the night with her, so he owes her respect & privacy, as much as he owes it to you. And remember, her business is none of yours.
2-Never try to meet, call or interact with her in any way, don’t allow anyone to come & give you info or gossip about her. Remember? You are the snatcher here so keep a low profile & play your part.
3-Love yourself more than your relationship with him, make yourself a priority, don’t change your life or habit s for him. Little reminder: he is “somebody else’s guy.
4-Do not complain, nag, or ask for more than he can give, hey sister, the guy is not yours & it is no news as you have decided to commit yourself in total awareness of the situation.
5-Beware of his entourage; his family or friends seem to like you; maybe because you are buying their affection or friendship. They are his people not yours & they will never support you. So, be polite & courteous, but avoid familiarity with them.
6-Take & Enjoy what he is giving you in terms of time, love, friendship, sex, For as long as it lasts, it was your choice, sooo endorse it and appreciate whatever you get out of that relationship to make it profitable to you.
7-Be discreet, he is not your Man, then stop advertising him all over thinking that it is a way of securing your position (which position by the way?); you might just end up losing him, he might just start avoiding you and go back to his Woman (the choice is clear here); or go for a underground relationship with another one on his waiting list. L So don’t take him to your parents, friends, etc. Let him be your “Myster”-y man, the same way you are his Mystery-stress© (lol) or Mistress…And don’t even start thinking you won a BATTLE over his current status when he takes you out in public. Reality=You are always the Loser.
8-Don’t expect things to change & bear the weight of your cross. He will most likely remain in his comfort zone & keep you in the backstage for as long as you can take it.
9-Open your eyes & your heart, there is somebody out there for you so never consider him like your last stop, create opportunities to move on.
10-Don’t depend on him emotionally, nor materially, otherwise you are in jail for a long time…
You might ask me: “what if he marries me as a second wife?” Then just prepare yourself to being second, but still perform your wifely duty correctly while keeping in mind those advices. If you have children then concentrate on them, if not concentrate on your work or on your hobbies and always keep in mind that you always have a choice. But whatever your choice is, never consider yourself as the Victim because you are not; she is, no matter what! So now you know more or less “what you are supposed to do”…Anything to add?
©Nabou Love 2009