Always wondered why men are always looking for a new fling? And this applies to all of them regardless of race, religion, culture, etc. However, most of the men from the southern hemisphere have similarities in behavior, and I am sure most of you wonder why?  I have got an answer: it could be the combination of Red Pepper also called chili, sun, music &…. Ok I am not being serious; It’s more  a matter of cultural background combined with education and customs. Usually the cliché is soooo caricatured: describing all African men as polygamists and African women as submissive and using charms to keep their men…

I have to admit that a good hot pepper soup could please a man while he enjoys it but one might need more than that to have him happy at home –this is addressed to those who have issues in their couple-. As a matter of fact all my grandfathers had several wives and all my grandmothers had more than one husband -let me explain one was a widow and remarried and the other one got married 3 times-. That was the picture in those days. But you can’t extract a tooth from a gum without pain, the same way that you can’t just decide that because we have been under European influence we should change our customs and follow those of the others. Our parents fought for Independence but we inherited from a confused culture: claiming to be African but willing to live under European rules. I want to emphasize here on the fact that polygamy is not a Muslim exclusivity but more an African custom shared from East to West and North to South of the continent. Obviously Men claim they can love several women at once and satisfy them equally, theoretically of course.

 In spite of having more than one officially endorsed wife, men will still chase other women who will appear unreachable yet so attractive. Why is that? A loving and caring husband to his wife can be an insatiable womanizer before the eyes of the world. And believe me or not it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love & respect his wife…He just needs variety, action, excitement. Beware because that fun could turn into a more serious relationship and an occasional girlfriend could in the long run become an official mistress or an extra wife. I am sure that the question you are asking now is how?

              Quite easily indeed, if the couple is going through some turmoil & the wife is being aggressive and stressful, the man will tend to avoid his home & run to a comfort zone. If the wife is in an endless exile to Europe or America – yes African women love those exile for health, war or kid’s educations !- & the empty hole left by the companion will be slowly but surely filled by the most fitted of the girlfriends i.e. the more patient & caring. And sisters don’t be shocked if he added another woman in your relationship, you chose to be away, & there is a price to pay for it.  If you are not anymore the woman he fell in love with but turned into a complaining & jealous witch.  And I know you know when the rules of the game change on the way, you either pretend, decide to live your life or fight to restore the right balance in your relationship. The choice is yours. Please avoid the gossipers, always ready to feed you with the latest news about your alter ego , unless you are strong enough , which I doubt, & listen to your heart.

              Maybe not the emotional side of your heart but the intuitive voice suggesting ideas to you that you hardly listen to…. Listen to your inner voice. Question yourself , review your attitude towards your companion, You are not going to change the Brother but you can create the atmosphere that will keep him to yourself. Enjoy each moment spent with him & stop asking to yourself what he is doing when not with you. If you can’t take his attitude, then stop complaining & walk away. If you think you can cope with the whole thing, then enjoy your relationship to the fullest.

           What about STD’s? Am sure you must be rolling your eyes thinking  I am an unconscious sister. What can a woman do about a cheating fellah that doesn’t  even cover himself when he goes out in the play field, exposing your lives? Nothing. Apart from talking to him, buying him condoms & reminding him the risks of Aids . What I personally do is I remind him the names of beauty queens who were diagnosed HIV positive. Our men often come back home with a baby and I think that’s a blessing because it could have been an STD…

I haven’t given an answer because I have none to give clearly, apart from the fact that women can fight temptation whereas men follow temptation more easily. A one night stand is not easy to deal with for a woman, when for a man it’s just another successful chase. So this is just my hot chili pepper soup to you, a little bit of this, a little bit of that and I can’t wait to read your reactions.

©NabouLove 2009.

8 réflexions sur « “HOT CHILI PEPPER SOUP…” »

  1. Beautiful article n soooo true
    @tayo ur right but men tend to be more relax too n often gain weight, start being less caring
    But do we women go n cheat on them?
    Noooo some do n though i dnt judge them i thk its disgusting n not helping or clever…instead men n women should communicate more, try to stay as sexy imaginative n passionate as the 1st days 😉

    Wish u all a great day Xxxx

  2. Nabou! So you finally went and did it after all your threats!! LOL!!

    You have got the proverbial conundrum here and T.A.D. did a pretty good job dissecting it. I will merely give my view as a chap. Let me state first of all that I am a God fearing man, so that says what my real stance is. Regardless this does not stop me from being able to say what goes on in a man’s mind and what some guys do.

    An unknown woman is always like a mystery that requires solving to a chap. Once you meet her once and she ‘flows’ with your packaging – shoes, smell, clothing, watch, car and even mobile phone (Lagos issue), you begin to think you have an opportunity here. She softens her voice when speaking to you and her body language is subtle or strong enough for you to think there might be a green light or at least an amber turning green. This is just a segment of the chase, but this is the opium that most men cannot live without as it is on the success or failure of this process that egos are built or shattered.

    At this point the man would have seen if she fit into his ‘current spec’. This spec can change with the time of day as men can actually be very fickle, especially those with a track record of ‘success’ at this game.

    Why do men do it? Because they can. They are wired to be attracted of course to the opposite sex. The question is now the moral barriers or discipline that the man has or has acquired. Many men brought up to appreciate women on an equal footing tend not to stray, while many do not have any kind of barriers at all. These guys are the ones who might have felt inadequate or ignored while growing up. They now blossom in adulthood and start to make up for what they feel is lost time. Both the indisciplined and the late bloomers will tend to acquire women and have babies outside or wife 2, 3, etc.

    Then for those in marriages that stray, as distinct from the category just mentioned, many reasons can be adduced and T.A.D. did a very thorough job on this segment. I must re-emphasise though, that the worst thing any man wants to live with is a nagging wife. This is by far the worst situation as nagging, after some time, creates numbness, then makes the fellow want to stay away, so you find some men at the local pub or club until very odd hours as they want to get home while the wife is sleeping and slip out as early as possible. Nagging is way worse than bad sex since good communication can help bad sex.

    Many women do not understand that men have fragile egos that require constant support. EVERY single heterosexual man wants to made to feel like the king in his own home. If this is not possible, he will gravitate in the direction of maximum comfort and support. This is the reason why many Efik / Ibibio (Calabar & area) women in Nigeria are accused as husband snatchers. They are taught how to make men feel like kings. A young friend of mine complained about how the husband of someone she knows fell for a Calabar woman. I simply said to her what I just wrote which she confirmed quickly. The Calabar woman has kids and is not as pretty as the man’s wife but she knew how to push his buttons!

    Every woman needs to give her man hot chili soup in the form of good support and communication, excellent home care and amazing bedroom skills. Any man getting these ain’t going NOWHERE!!!

    1. Can I just go out on a limb and advice caution and maybe perhaps be the voice of reason for women in their quest for relationship bliss.
      You see, I think, men are allowed to be everything they want to be in a relationship and everywhere else for that matter. They are allowed to be so firm that it is overbearing, they are allowed to be weak, to have no will or opinion of their own, they are allowed to be ugly with a repulsive attitude and yet deserving of a virtuous woman. Women, on the other hand are all to be levelled on the same status, be beautiful, well kept, docile, into one character of yielding softness and gentle compliance. And the never ending mission to always please the man. It is exhausting.
      We are all different and as much as some women would choose to be that way, some of us are forced into the same path because of the pressure society put us under with the unending chorus…’you have to be this way to keep your man’. The truth is, you are not keeping your man, you are keeping a man and sooner or later, that man will see through your facade and go looking elsewhere and you will be left looking for another man to please and keep for as long as it last. If you want to keep your man, the one who is meant for you, you have to be yourself. You don’t say “I want to make my husband love me”, you have to reframe it into “I want to focus on feeling loved and to do things that make me and my effort s in relationship feel special”. We have to work as women, to have confidence in ourselves and do things that we enjoy and that will increase the likelihood of our partners loving us and it mattering less to us if they did not.
      We all want to stay married to the same person and make our relationships last forever. However if that process requires us to give up on our very own quest of individuality, to follow on the trend is to relinquish our very selves. We may all be women, but we are all different and one kind is no less deserving to keep a man. Men need to add more variety into the qualities they are looking for in women if we are ever going to stand a chance. No amount of beauty can win a heart, but true esteem which I think is the only lasting feeling have to be supported by various other activities and a strong respect for the understanding of the other half in the relationship. And there are really so much more to life that offers women stronger motives and brighter rewards than a desire to conquest.

    2. At JEJE,thank you for being so candid and upfront to us ladies.sometimes,we women that have good men take them for granted and as such,loose the treasures we have been blessed with.you,NABS,TD and TACKO have said it already.i just want to say two things to my fellow african women.

      This year would be my 12th year of marriage.i have found that-

      1]learning to submit and allow him lead the family has lead to a happier home.i always used to want my way and it was such a waste of time.allowing him to be the captain and i following has spiced it all up again and am actually enjoying being hes follower now,lol.so please,being stubborn or selfish would lead you no where.compromise and wisdom remain the key words.

      2]have a career,turn your hobby into a business.be useful to your self as an individual and you will gain the respect of your husband and even of your self.rekindle your talent[we all have it] and have a life outside of the children and hubby.this has made me whole and a better wife and mother as i still feel useful to myself and the society and not swallowed up by the responsibilities of home.as long as you learn to manage your time,you can be an all rounder and still excel.

      good luck to us all,especially my sister nabou.may excellence remain your portion..

  3. This is great, Nabou babe… Love you… I love it… Now we are neighbours, as my blog is here as well… Hahahha, good for you babegirl…

  4. Naboulove, very well said. I do not think you are crazy, just merely laying down the facts. Nice topic as we women never cease to wonder why most men can’t be a « one woman man. » Men see woman as different flavours and so, they got to taste and savour the chocolate, vanilla cream, strawberry, ginger and all lol we women need to step up the gas as only men themselves can understand and comprehend what they see in each woman. Afterall we see ourselves as « the best. »
    Whatever the other « mistress » is doing to keep your man. you better learn it. A man would often stray if the « bedroom » is boring or if his partner does not make him feel « macho » enough. He wants to know he is « the king » in this game and if hes not feeling it…hes searching for the next « flavour » that will assure him of such. In this age, only a God fearing man would actually not commit adultery or infidelity.
    Some women are also too passive. We need to be more aggressive in our love life. Someone who has been in a long term relationship tend to relax a bit more. I do not believe in such. Women look good, feel good, smell good…be sexy. Let your underwear be alluring to his « eyes. » Don’t let go completely just because you ve kids or a hectic schedule. Be prepared to take your love life to another level by doing new things, change positions frequently, just doing the « military » all times will never be enough. Give him something to look forward to. Remember that just an orgasm or a happy face does not mean he wont stray!
    One thing a man cannot stand is a bossy woman. Also QUIT the nagging….this drives any man crazy and trust me,he will definitely stop by his « mistress » before coming home. If there are no communication skills, that’s even worse than a bad dream.
    Naboulove this is my piece for now1

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