Break-up or Start-up? by NabouLove

Break -up or Start-up?

Part one: Break-up.

Tears of sorrow and bitterness, pain, anger, humiliation , that is what you are feeling down deep inside: You have been dumped, erased, avoided, left by a man you praised, loved, cherished! Yes!!! YOU ; the beauty Queen, sexy in Black, the cutie pie , Miss “Am so sure of myself” a.k.a “Super Executive Lady”… It shook you like an unexpected earthquake; you still haven’t realized it’s real.

Not a single sign of distress, everything seemed so perfect between you and Mr “Fiancé to be”. You are reviewing events in your head, the dinner you had together few days ago in the latest French Gastronomy restaurant followed by a night to remember, foreplays, orgasms, pleasure, everything was on top. And now blank. No news, no calls. Your emails, text messages, phone calls neither are answered to nor returned. You attempted a visit to his office, where his secretary told you with a funny look on her face (like someone had died in your family) that Mr Z, your Fiancé to be, went on a short trip to Abuja. Same reaction & answer from his houseboy, when you swallowed the little pride you had left in stock to go to his home.

Hundreds of questions going through your mind: WHY? Why doesn’t he call me? Why does he avoid me? Why this? Why that?  WHAT? What did I do wrong? What happened to our relationship, to us? What the hell is going on? Endless what? How? How come I didn’t notice anything? How can he treat me like that? How..?

Question mark

You then decide to call his sister looking for answers. She sounds even more shocked than you and adds to your pain. She is surprised as the day before he left on his mission, she was teasing him about you , & he told her that he will soon make the big jump! Your hope is revived. Maybe he is playing Mr. Big in Sex & the City stepping back a little? Comforted by her words, you re-text, re-call, re-mail, re-phone, still Nothing. No answer, just a big silent hole. In your life  & in the middle of your heart. You are heartbroken, about to lose your mind, somewhat lost in translation.

In all that confusion (internal), you forgot to question his best Buddy, so once again you put your pride aside, and call. No answer. Just a text back: “Excuse me dear, am in a meeting” your reply: a depressed “ok”. Your thoughts are wandering again and tears are rolling down your cheeks while questions are harassing your mind once more : “Why is life so unfair?”, After the what happened , how could he do that to me and why is this happening to me,  you are getting to the “ what did I do wrong?”; “ I am worthless”, you are now about to loose your self esteem. Lady you didn’t do anything wrong at all,  your vision of the relationship you had with Mr coward –too afraid to face you- was blurred by LOVE ( and at times love is blind, isn’it?).

Now , what’s next? You call your sistafriend, tell her the story, cry all your tears, spite all your venom (yes!!! you have become a scorned woman), and more tears. You can’t call your parents, they didn’t really like that dandy, smoothie, velvety, too good to be true. Remember? The first time Mum met him she told you he smelled sooo fake. From that day, you never gave her another chance to meet him alone unless in a large family gathering or big events. No, no, no. You refuse to go to work tomorrow. You call your office and search for all the Leonidas, Mars, M&M’s, ice cream or junk food you can find and you start stuffing yourself like a goose whilst crying in front of pretty woman , that you have been watching for the 200th time, and cry again….

To be continued

©Nabou Love 2009

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Are You Looking For A New Love? by Shakeerat Orimadegun

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Many People do not know that it’s always better to be alone than be in bad relationships every now and then, but life has a way of making one change his/her mind from unwanted thoughts.

And as long as one craved for a company, guys will always be guys,(hmm point of correction people will always be what they want to be) You can either play desperate to them or play hard to get, they knew what you want and they know what to say if they must get at you. And, once they know u are desperate in finding love, dating, marriage or what have you..they will treat you as they deem fit.
If a man is as good as he says, he’ll romance you by every means he knows how to win you over. And if is a woman..she will flirt and seduce you until she get what she want….Nothing is guaranteed!!

See you might probably have been hurt before and in your mind’s eye, every man/woman are the same, but you will never find out unless you give it a short. Also learn to be friends first for along while without promising anything. So if you find out that it won’t work. There shouldn’t be anything too tight in your gut; in relieving yourself from unwanted situation

I’ve learned that:

* Become friends first, and then if you both feel like you want more… then small steps, one-at-a-time, no rush! If its REAL, it will happen.

* Friendship is a good thing to build a relationship on, once you have a good foundation, you build on it. …Never letting go of that friendship because that’s what started it all. I’ve found out that what you do need to look out for, Is someone that you are comfortable with, Trust, love, faithfulness, sincerity etc will be earn along the way.

* One don’t need to rush love… it’ll happen when you least expect it…Just take that time in finding it.

* Date for a while and learn about one another. Past,  present and future thoughts.

* Compromise if you must, everyone has to compromise a little. But it is with little sacrifices that we make both party happy.
….You can’t possibly get everything on a platter of gold. Most times, you do really need to compromise.
I have always been someone that won’t trade my wanted quality for anything. But after seeking fruitlessly. I found out that I do need to bend a little.

* Then make the best of the relationship; finding the perfect match for oneself is not easy because if it was easy finding a good person everyone would have one… Some people settle for less… the wise ones are picky, and choose someone who as beautiful inside as they are outside… Somehow everything works out in this world, just the way we want it to be, some good/some not as good. We choose our own paths, make our way. Its just life… Be what you want to be, don’t let anyone hold you back.

Above all you need to check yourself too, maybe the problem might even be from your side, maybe you are not yet ready to give up your freedom and singleness.. I know there is a pot for every lid. Someone is out there for everyone… One just needs to find it patiently.
So, my  dear. That’s what I have discovered about relationships and finding new relationship. Hope you find some point in it.

WHY WOMEN CHEAT? by Aminata Kamara

                                    aminata-kamara

One of my very good friends recently confessed to me that she’s been cheating on her partner for two years! My initial reaction was, for two years, wow and no one knows about this? I should have be shocked, judgemental, horrified or worse avoided her completely, but I wasn’t. In fact its almost like I understood why she’s been cheating, not sure if I would have been so understanding had I not know the background or see the picture of how they live and relate to one another.

 

There was a survey done in America a while back which suggests that almost 50% of married women have had sex outside of their marriage. They also found that 34% of mothers admitted to having an affair after they had children, and another 53% say they have thought seriously about having an affair. This says that it’s not just men having affairs. We hear all of the time about why men affairs, but women having affairs never seem to be a focus. So, why do women have affairs?

Women Cheat for emotional reasons. Whether it’s a lack of communication in their marriage, a need for an emotional connection they are not receiving, or just the desire to feel wanted and beautiful, women are cheating to fill emotional voids their partners have left them with. My friend suffers from this in her relationship. Her partner never tells her he loves her, he does not show her affection even when we go out as couples he’s always withdrawn, the best he does is puts his hands around the chair she sits in not around her, where as my partner will be very touchy feely, something I expect from him. I asked my friend once, why does she put up with an emotionless relationship, she said she loves him, but then when I asked her if she thinks he loves her, she does not know….now for me, I must know that the guy loves me or else he’s out. I see no reason why I should be in a loveless or emotionless relationship just because I don’t want to be on my own.

As women, we crave the need for security. Men are the blanket that provides this security, and if you as a partner aren’t satisfying this basic need, she will seek it elsewhere. As women age, they tend to feel less and less secure. They begin to question the way they look, feel less attractive, and unable to do things they did when they were younger. Even if these things aren’t true, women tend to convince themselves that they are.

If a man is not reassuring his partner that she is beautiful and important to them, they are putting their relationship at risk, like my friend’s relationship is now in tatters, perhaps for the best!!

My friend decided to cheat with a married man at work. They have stopped seeing each other because he was almost found out by his wife. My friend told me she really did not love this guy any more than her partner but felt great when they were together, and it wasn’t just the ‘sex/loving making’ but the care and affection this other guy showed towards her.

 

If am honest, in a previous relationship, I felt like cheating for the same reasons as above, I lacked confidence, I was not shown any affection, and he was always away, and worse, I hear rumours that he was seeing other women (this proved to be so in the end). I had to seriously think about it and decided against it. It is my view that if I had cheated, I would be no better than him, or even hold the moral high ground – two wrongs don’t make a right! In the end, I resorted to ending the relationship even though the other party did not want to. It wasn’t easy.

 

Ladies, I hope you are not tempted to cheat but if you are, think about it first. Typically when you have this feeling, there are problems going on in your relationship. Try addressing those problems and see if you and your partner can work through them.

Learn to communicate better with your partner. Create a transparency, where you know everything about them, and they know everything about you. Spend time together often, and learn something new about them. Find new activities that you both can enjoy together. Never stop dating your partner!

Women really crave the emotional things, so men really need to work at giving them those things. If you are a women, you need to share with your husband what you are craving and lacking. If you are a man, work on satisfying those needs. If you do, you can live a happy marriage together!

 

In love « with somebody else’s guy »? by Nabou Love

« You are somebody else’s guy… »YY

Remember the hit of the 80’s by Jocelyn Brown:

“You are the one who makes me feel soo real…but …you are somebody else’s guy…what am I supposed to do?

The one and only advice we usually hear or read is: “move on sister!”; “Give the man a break!” ; “ he doesn’t deserve you” etc. easier said than done.right? How many women followed that advice?  How many? No official figures? Ok.

You “ don’t want to let  go “ at that time, “you are not ready yet” .Hun; you just want to know how to live at peace with yourself  when in such a relationship.

What are you looking for?

The fear of loneliness coupled with a modern life where women tend to be more independent and liberated contributed to a new deal… Modern African women with a European or American cultural and educational background would not accept being involved with somebody else’s guy, but on the other hand, after 30 years old they tend to compromise into such a relationship that could be tagged as complicated.  What is their ultimate motive? money? Security through the claim of being somebody’s woman? Sex? Or is it just companionship & friendship? The woman chasing for her way out of dependence often sacrifices her personal life towards her professional accomplishments. A professional Gold-digger is in constant search for Mr. Richer, forgetting that Rich doesn’t automatically match with generous. She might be always going for the seemingly better, richer guy & surprisingly often ends up with the “Bling bling apparently rich 419 brother”. Some sisters will just go for the nice not so free handsome man who if she is lucky just has one wife but who most of the time has an official wife, some unofficial ones , mistresses and  toygirlz,  all of them cohabitating against each others will. And Super Sister falls in the trap thinking & hoping that she will change the Man and turn the situation to her advantage. Wrong assessment. But let’s continue: above all, there is Mr. Right, the guy of your dream  whose negative sides r mostly bearable (now I assume the fact that you all know that Mr. Perfect is a Myth), he seems to understand you &  you feel a strong bond , he takes you to seven heaven with the tip of his fingers. He also entertains you with  great conversations & responds to your emotional & financial needs.

But.

But what?

But he has a woman in his life, he is “somebody else’s guy”. Nobody’s perfect? Right! Are you ready for that emotionally straining relationship? You think you are , you think of yourself as a “strong woman”.Let’s see how strong is strong when love is involved? It reminds me of one my girl who kept repeating all the time “ I am not jealous, I knew the situation from day 1” & then  one day comes back to me tearful , depressed & hurt whenever he is not available for her ”-can you imagine?  , he told me he is going on holiday with his wife, it is so unfair!!!  Really? is it? Who was playing Mars Cool & Strong, I master the game, my emotions are under control? And then you admit “-I didn’t know it would be sooo painful. Sob.sob. Yes you knew, you just got the wrong perception. But again this is in the case you knew from the beginning.

What if he never told you he was indeed married, engaged or living with somebody? And the day you find out, you fall off your pedestal, filled with anger, frustration, pain & disappointment. But know you know, & it is your choice to stay or go. If you have the guts to leave, you will suffer for some time and then overcome the pain. But you chose to stay, thinking if he is with you, it’s because something was missing in the comfort zone. Misconception sister! You got it wrong once more; But you are already in and you are lonely and you’d rather be in a bad relationship than alone. So what to do to live harmoniously with yourself & others in such a relationship?

There are rules to find your balance here, if you decided to stay (nobody is forcing you, because you have the choice all along, & the sooner you leave the better, it’s never too late to step back). You are in love (?), he makes you feel so good, and you cultivate hope. Ok so this is your survival guide in 10 essentials steps to respect for your mental wellbeing:

1-Never allow him to discuss or even complain about the woman who shares his life; he chose her to live with him, he spends the night with her, so he owes her respect & privacy, as much as he owes it to you. And remember, her business is none of yours.

2-Never try to meet, call or interact with her in any way, don’t allow anyone to come & give you info or gossip about her. Remember? You are the snatcher here so keep a low profile & play your part.

3-Love yourself more than your relationship with him, make yourself a priority, don’t change your life or habit s for him. Little reminder: he is “somebody else’s guy.

4-Do not  complain, nag, or ask for more than he can give, hey sister, the guy is not yours & it is no news as you have decided to commit yourself  in total awareness of the situation.

5-Beware of his entourage; his family or friends seem to like you; maybe because you are buying their affection or friendship. They are his people not yours & they will never support you. So, be polite & courteous, but avoid familiarity with them.

6-Take & Enjoy what he is giving you in terms of time, love, friendship, sex, For as long as it lasts, it was your choice, sooo endorse it and appreciate whatever you get out of that relationship to make it profitable to you.

7-Be discreet, he is not your Man, then stop advertising him all over thinking that it is a way of securing your position (which position by the way?); you might just end up losing him, he might just start avoiding you and go back to his Woman (the choice is clear here); or go for a underground relationship with another one on his waiting list. L So don’t take him to your parents, friends, etc. Let him be your “Myster”-y man, the same way you are his Mystery-stress© (lol) or Mistress…And don’t even start thinking you won a BATTLE over his current status when he takes you out in public. Reality=You are always the Loser.

8-Don’t expect things to change & bear the weight of your cross. He will most likely remain in his comfort zone & keep you in the backstage for as long as you can take it.

9-Open your eyes & your heart, there is somebody out there for you so never consider him like your last stop, create opportunities to move on.

10-Don’t depend on him emotionally, nor materially, otherwise you are in jail for a long time…

 

You might ask me: “what if he marries me as a second wife?” Then just prepare yourself to being second, but still perform your wifely duty correctly while keeping in mind those advices. If you have children then concentrate on them, if not concentrate on your work or on your hobbies and always keep in mind that you always have a choice. But whatever your choice is, never consider yourself as the Victim because you are not; she is, no matter what! So now you know more or less “what you are supposed to do”…Anything to add?

 

©Nabou Love 2009